Mood

Loneliness epidemic: How we can create meaningful connection

we are living in a loneliness epidemic

I had an experience last week that really made me want to dig in on this topic and think of practical ways to combat the loneliness epidemic we’re currently living in.

Yes, I said “loneliness epidemic”. This is a phrase that picked up notoriety in 2021, but it has been a truth of our world for much longer. The stats below were complied in 2019, meaning the data came from far before then:

And while these speak mostly to the elderly population, one report notes that:

“36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children—feel “serious loneliness.””
— Harvard Graduate School Study

This loneliness doesn’t just affect our mental health. in 2015, a genomic researcher at UCLA discovered that loneliness changes our genes and weakens our immune system, making us less able to fight off disease and more prone to chronic inflammation. Chronic inflammation has long been linked to life-threatening illnesses such as cancer, Alzerheim’s, and depression.

So not only is loneliness hurting us emotionally and mentally, it is truly decreasing our ability to live a healthy life.

How do we combat this loneliness epidemic?

Just reading those stats breaks my heart and makes me fearful. How do we stop this? How do we impede the effects of loneliness? What does it really mean to be lonely and how do we address those needs?

If you simply google the phrase “how do we combat loneliness”, you’ll see results similar to these:

Notice this language. It’s so aggressive and individualistic. There’s no mention of how groups of people can overcome loneliness, it’s all about the lonely person fixing it themselves with vigor and action.

I’d like to propose some more gentle, communal ways of overcoming loneliness.

Tips for people who want to help others feel less lonely:

  • Talk to strangers: as an extrovert, I know this is easier for someone like me than an introvert who wants to help. But it truly costs you nothing to just try and have a conversation with someone who looks like they may be feeling lonely. I feel like we all know these people: the elderly person slowly shopping alone; the young woman not listening to music or reading, slowly looking around the waiting area; the man having trouble getting items into his car. These are people who, though they probably won’t ask for it, desperately want to feel a connection. Even if just for a moment.

  • Volunteer: if putting yourself out there in regular life feels too extreme, find something you’re passionate about and volunteer your time in a scheduled way. Be intentional about getting to know the people you volunteer with.

  • Start with your own friends: finally, if meeting new people just isn’t in the cards right now, I promise that those you already love are dealing with some level of loneliness. Be the first to reach out and open up the conversation. Become the friend that regularly checks in. Let them know that, even if you don’t get to talk all the time, you’re always thinking about them and here for anything they need. I promise you’ll be shocked to learn how much more alone people you already know and love are feeling than we care to realize.

Tips for those of us feeling lonely:

  • Find professional help: as always, I will always recommend first seeking the support and guidance of a professional. While loneliness isn’t in and of itself a mental illness, it can lead to depression. So even if you’re just feeling a little lonely, I recommend finding a professional support system to ensure that things aren’t more advanced than you may realize. Here is a list of resources.

  • Share your story: this can be with a close friend, a family member, or even a kind stranger. There is scientific proof that acknowledging and expressing our feelings of loneliness immediately produces therapeutic effects on the brain and nervous system.

  • Serve others: yes, one of the best ways to shift our perspective from our own loneliness is to focus on the needs of others. This inadvertently allows us to experience shared humanity and realize that we are not alone in our feelings of aloneness. You can do this through volunteering, taking care of a sick loved one or neighbor, or simply being a good samaritan when the time comes.

The idea that we, as individuals, are supposed to fix our own loneliness baffles me. That’s just perpetuating the cycle of being alone, of needing to do things yourself. I think we can only combat the loneliness epidemic together.

How else will we become less alone if we do not tackle it together?

If you or a loved one are experiencing the extreme effects of loneliness such as depression or suicidal thoughts, please get help immediately by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline toll-free at 800-273-8255.

What it feels like to suffer from eating disorders

I found this in my blog drafts from June 1, 2017. It’s emotional. It’s vulnerable. I feel like it’s important for me to share what I was going through for anyone else who is lost in their own sea of despair, struggling with eating disorders. I won’t add too much to this, but know that I was able to overcome this moment through therapy, prayer, and amazing friends and family. You can survive and thrive after moments like this.

I sat in the car and cried. Right outside of work. Right there in the parking lot. The landscapers tried not to look at me too hard but I know they could tell. 

I read an article recently that said living with anxiety and depression is like living with two really shitty roommates. And it's true. When it's under control, they usually stay in their room and keep quiet. But every now and then, and sometimes more often than that, they step out just to make sure you remember your place. 

I have been on a diet in some way, shape or form since I was 15. I have hated my body for 11 years. I have been in a constant state of self-hate and angst for over a decade. 

But I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not the only one who let the lie of perfection seep into their soul and strangle the happiness out of their life. And for 11 years, I've been desperately trying to revive it with the holy water of sweat and tears that I was told would make me happy. Make me beautiful. Make fit, desirable, worthwhile. 

How many days have been wasted behind the haze of self-hate? How many meals have come back up because I didn't deserve to eat them? How many photos and memories have I rejected because I didn't have the body I wanted yet?

I weep for my past self. I weep for my current self. I weep for all the women who feel the crushing weight of perfection and the sickening, consuming need to look a certain way in order to love themselves. 

Please seek professional help if you are suffering from an eating disorder, depression, or any mental illness. Visit a full list of resources here.

Relaxation Techniques for Chronic Anxiety

How to relax when living with chronic anxiety

Sometimes it’s hard to relax. We work busy jobs, have personal lives, basic needs to fulfill, and on top of that, we’re living in a COVID world. So even for the everyday person, relaxation can feel like a faraway beach somewhere (literally and figuratively).

But what about when you’re living with chronic anxiety? In that case, relaxation feels like a foreign country with closed borders and they’re definitely not letting us in.

So I’ve put together some helpful tips based on personal experience and (insert Bill Nye voice) science! Enjoy 🤟

Practice Deep Breathing

How many times have you seen this on a list? Probably too many. You know why? Because it works. Deep breathing activates our parasympathetic nervous system (big word for our body’s relaxation response).

Here’s what the University of Toledo has to say: “Deep breathing and relaxation activate the other part of your nervous system, the parasympathetic nervous system, which sends a signal to your brain to tell the anxious part that you’re safe and don’t need to use the fight, flight, or freeze response. Deep breathing gets more oxygen to the thinking brain. Also, by addressing the physical, fight, flight and freeze symptoms directly, you are freeing up mental energy to address other symptoms.”

Watch this quick video to learn how to do deep breathing:

Schedule Relaxation Minutes

You didn’t know this would involve a super sexy calendar plan, did you? Yes, I said schedule relaxation minutes. What I mean is, when you have chronic anxiety or are living in a state of constant overdrive, you do not simply relax. In my experience, the best way to help myself move closer into a state of relaxation, I need to give myself permission to step away.

Permission to put my phone down. Permission to breathe. And for me, that means creating a schedule! I honor appointments to others and have found that I can honor appointments to myself in the same way.

Start with 10 minutes of scheduled relaxation time.

Put it on your calendar at some point in the day and don’t miss the appointment. Simply remove yourself from whatever situation you’re in and give yourself permission to practice your breathing, listen to calming music, or meditate.

Move and Breathe (at the same time)

If sitting still and breathing is not your cup of tea and actually makes you feel MORE anxious just thinking about it, I’ve got another tip for you. There have been scholarly studies that show we can improve our emotional state by linking our breath with our movements.

This could be through a simple workout, walking, yoga, dance, whatever movement you want. The key is actively linking your breath with each and every movement. Inhaling with one movement, exhaling with another…and so on and so forth.

The key is keeping the breath at focus and allowing any negative, neutral, or even happy emotions to simply pass through you.

Go to Therapy

If none of these techniques feel like they’re working, it’s best to speak with a professional who can help address the core drivers in your anxiety. Medication, therapy, or a combination of both could be the best thing to help you begin to release some of your anxious state so you can truly feel relaxed, even if just for a moment.

Online therapy:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline toll-free at 800-273-8255.

How's your mental health?

A LOT has changed since March 2019. Personally, I got: engaged, promoted, married, hired somewhere else, and relocated to a new city. Then 2020 in all of it’s “end of the world as we know it” glory came steamrolling in and I crumbled. The first few months of this year, I was having panic attacks and losing so much hair that I had to get my bloodwork checked just to make sure nothing was seriously wrong.

Blood work came back fine. Meaning: it was all stress.

So you know what I did? I GOT (legal and prescribed from a physician) DRUGS. I fully support the use of medication to treat any and all mental health problems. No stigma. But that’s a blog for another day.

Now, how to treat mental health, in general, is a divisive topic.

In one corner, we have the holistic health practitioners and Eastern medicine saying, “DRUGS DON’T SOLVE THE ROOT PROBLEM, YOU NEED MEDITATION AND MINDFULNESS AND BREATHWORK!”

In the other corner, you have Western medicine and medically-trained healthcare professionals saying, “YOUR BRAIN LITERALLY DOES NOT CREATE THE HORMONES YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY, SCIENCE IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN FIX IT!”

Ding-ding-ding! The round begins and who do you think wins?!

……No one.

Because treating mental health through a single approach is the fastest and easiest way to over-simplifying a very complex and personal problem.

Time for me to insert my opinion (because that’s what you came here for right?):

The healthiest way to treat mental health problems like anxiety and depression is through a combination of both mindfulness, therapy, breathwork, and if your physician thinks it’s right for you, medication.

The most important thing I hope you take away from this is that there’s no single, correct way to treat mental health problems. There is one wrong way though: ignore them.

If you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, suicidal, or self-harm related thoughts, don’t wait. Get help. Speak with a family member, a friend, a hotline, or your doctor.

Online therapy:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline toll-free at 800-273-8255.

Anxiety Isn't

Anxiety isn’t always apparent.

Anxiety isn’t crying in the corner.

Anxiety isn’t the quiet kid.

Anxiety isn’t logical.

Anxiety isn’t concerned with your social status.

Anxiety isn’t what you think it is.

It’s much, much more.

I had a panic attack whilst apparently laughing, smiling and having a good time. As soon as I was done pretending, I ran to the bathroom to use my inhaler because I felt like my chest was going to implode and my lungs were going to burst into flames and my throat was going to swallow the rest of my body whole. I was having a panic attack, but no one was the wiser.

I think in our minds, we see anxiety as this very obvious, very distinct behavior pattern or type of person. And that just isn’t true. Mental illness affects millions of people and we hide it. Everyday. Living in plain sight.

If I were cleverer, I’d pretend it’s like having a superpower. A keen sensitivity to my surroundings, to the energies around me. But I’m not, and it doesn’t feel like a superpower. It feels like a weakness. Something that makes me less than everyone else.

Do you feel that way too? If so, I highly recommend talking to a professional! I use writing as a creative outlet, but sometimes you need someone who can talk without emotions getting in the way. I’ve been a user of BetterHelp on and off for several years and absolutely adore my counselor.

There’s nothing wrong with you (or me), anxiety, depression and a multitude of other mental health issues affect millions of people every day. So if you’re feeling them overwhelm of going through it alone, remember that you don’t have to.

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Sharing is Caring: We all deal with insecurity

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The truth is, from the depths of my soul, I am incredibly insecure. Deeply, painfully, embarrassingly at times. I feel like less of a person when other people get compliments. I lash out if I feel like I'm not the center of attention. I have difficulty being happy for others' successes or accomplishments--I mostly feel jealousy and a fear that it makes me...less. Less than perfect. Less beautiful. Less intelligent. Less loved. Less important. Less successful.

The hard truth is that jealousy and insecurity are just different manifestations of the same feeling: worthlessness. 

I have at least 5 blogs about worth, comparison and the like. But the reason I continue to share my struggles with worthlessness, jealousy, insecurity, and meaning is because I know that in some way, shape or form--you feel it too. 

You, whoever you are. There are moments, maybe late at night, alone in the dark, when you look at the ceiling and tell yourself, "I'm not as handsome as him. I'm not as successful as her." And you know that those thoughts are just part of a bigger, deeper longing to be enough. To feel like you're worth a damn. 

I'm here to tell you that you are worth a damn. And thankfully, no amount of jealousy or comparison or doubt or hate for others success will make you enough. We can find hope in something better and more beautiful than the darkness of insecurity and loneliness. I believe that our meaning is given to us by God; that our worth comes from grace and the price that was paid. Nothing else can fill that hole the way that He can. 

But even if you don't share that exact view, you're still loved. You are still worthy, you are still enough. The breath in your lungs is precious; the yearnings of your soul bring something beautiful and unique and wholly yours into the world. Perhaps you don't find your worth in God, but please, take a moment to internalize the truth that the existence of someone else does not detract from how bright and beautiful and necessary your light is. 

I have no solution. I have no how-to step. I'm just a broken, sinful person who struggles, daily, with feeling jealous, insecure, and worthless. But one of my core beliefs is that we give power to what we hide. Only by sharing our personal struggles can we realize that we are not alone. Only together can we support and encourage each other to become better, more confident, more secure, more self-aware, more peaceful, more loving human beings. 

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So, friend, you are not alone. And while I may not have answers, I have courage and strength in the knowledge that we all share the burden of finding worth, of feeling shame and insecurity and jealousy.

And together, we can share our stories, share our struggles, and in time, share our freedom. 

If this post resonated with you, shoot me an email at taylorguido@gmail.com or leave a comment! And if it didn't, please feel free to still email or comment, I'd love to know your thoughts and your take on it. 

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Learn to love "No"

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"That won't work."

"We already have something like that."

"I'm not sure that's what we're looking for."

"No."

How do you react to these statements? Do they break your spirit? They break mine. Over and over and over again, I am continuously faced with the answer: no. It can crush your creative spirit, your will to offer ideas, your desire to improve. 

But it can also be the catalyst for those very things. 

It doesn't happen over night and it doesn't happen by accident. It takes conscious practice and effort to change your innate response to being told no. It takes mindfulness, courage, vulnerability, and patience. But it can be done. 

If it couldn't, I wouldn't be writing this blog. I wouldn't have been inspired to create when I encountered yet another road block. But because I have fallen flat on my face, stumbled over so many other difficulties up until this point, this time I was able to choose a different response. Next time I may sit down and cry and need a pep talk...but not this time. 

It's a messy way to live. It's never perfect. But those sparks of creativity and growth that come from learning to love setbacks and the struggle can become incredibly powerful tools of communication, pieces of art, solutions to problems. 

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What comes to mind when you read this? A physical challenge? A relationship? A project you're working on? Whatever it is, just notice it. Don't think about more ways to change or challenge or fight it. Just stay aware. And the next time you're hit with that version of "No", choose to react differently. 

Practice, practice, practice. That's all it is. Learning to love "No" will give you the ability to experience hardships and struggles and only become stronger, more equipped to handle difficulties, and more confident in yourself. 

Season of Self-Doubt

Seasons. It always comes back to seasons. Waiting anxiously for one to come and another to go, enjoying the beauty of some and hating the harshness of others. 

And just like nature, we grow in season. Even when we feel like we're shrinking or dying...we're growing. Rupi Kaur's latest book of poems, The Sun and Her Flowers, is a beautiful testament to what seasons of human life truly look like. 

I've been in a season of doubt. A season of dried up creativity, of looking around and seeing everyone else blooming while all my petals fall to the floor. It's been a disheartening season. 

But just like the sun and her flowers, we grow from our own wilting. When we shrink inward, it creates more space for beauty and strength to pour back in. Like the ground in the winter, our capacity to grow and create becomes stalled. But it's not forever. The thing about seasons is that they always come...and they always go. There is no such thing as an eternal winter or summer. 

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This is the first photo ever taken of my tattoo, gotten almost 6 years ago when I first moved to California, another very difficult season of doubt and confusion. This, however, is not my quote. C.S. Lewis is to thank for this pearl of wisdom. And when it comes to seasons, this is so true. Even in the best of times, better things are yet to come. And in the darkness of winter, new hope grows beneath the surface. 

There is so much power in being able to recognize that we are not evergreen. Like nature sheds its skin, its petals, its leaves, we must let go of our expectations, our attachment, our obsession with perfection in order to grow. 

And, in God's perfectly created irony and miraculousness, that is in fact how we grow.

Only and always through seasons. 

So whether you are blooming into spring or in your own version of winter, it will pass. And you will keep on growing, and growing, and growing, through it all. 

Finding Your Voice

So, I'm literally mute right now. Like I can't even whisper. Apparently I screamed "FREEDOM" too loudly all fourth of July weekend and I busted my whole voice box into red, white and blue confetti. And now, I am silent. 

It was funny for the first 2 interactions of the day, but after 8 hours of just sitting and nodding and smiling and pantomiming, I'm over it. I want my voice. 

Which, being someone who lives entirely in my own thoughts, made me think: how many people have lost their metaphorical voice? More importantly, how do you get it back?? 

I should define what I mean by "voice" in this particular instance: Your voice is your natural way of showing up in the world, if no one else had any say in how you do it. Would you be pensive and quiet? Would you be sharp and quick-witted? Would you be silly and exuberant? These are all completely valid voices to have--if they're true to who you are. 

But as we get older, we get jobs, we experience failure, we protect ourselves from heartbreak, we adapt to our current reality and somewhere along the way, we lose bits and pieces of who we started out as. And while it's incredibly important to grow, I think it's just as important to check in and ask ourselves, am I different now because I want to be or because I thought I had to be? That is the key difference between becoming the person you want to be and becoming the person you think you have to be. 

Take it from someone who was so terrified of being forgotten that she took control in every situation, regardless of wanting to or not. I thought I had to be in charge to be loved or to be heard. Now I understand that I just have to be my weird, emotional, intelligent self and success, happiness and love will always follow. 

Learn about Thyself

Yeah yeah, we are all unique flowers, but also, you fit into a category. And so do I. Take some time to understand how you interact internally and externally with the world around you. Everyone has heard of the Myers-Brigg personality test; 16 Personalities is a free site to get some serious insight into your own behavior. While Myers-Brigg is more focused on how you interact with others, my personal favorite is the Enneagram quiz. It takes a look at your inner workings and how you process thoughts on a deeper level. Neither test are incredibly long and you get some great insight into things you may have forgotten or never known about yourself!

Over the course of 10 years, I've gone from an ENTJ to an ENFJ to now, an ENFP. This simply means that as I've gotten older, I've become more and more emotional, creative and open with people. And while there are two part of myself that have never changed (extraverted and intuitive), I love the person I've chosen to become, based on my life experiences and environment.

So see where you're at now and take these again in a year from now to see how/if you've changed and assess if that's where you want to be. 

Choose your Reactions

I've read a thousand times over that the only thing we can control in life is our reaction to it. Now that you've taken a step back to really take a look at how you're currently responding to the world around you, CHOOSE if that's how you want to keep showing up! In my transformation to a more emotionally open person, I became TOO open and volatile. I had to learn how to reign that back in and respond to circumstances in ways that didn't send me totally into the deep end. And while I know emotionality is deeply rooted in who I am, I don't hide it because it makes some people uncomfortable and I don't let it consume me when I don't want it to, as best I can at least. 

While I did not choose to get full blown laryngitis, I think we can all agree that we've felt voiceless or like we're showing up like someone else or how someone else wants us to. 

Take back your voice. Learn about who you are right now and decide if that's who you want to keep being. 

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

Mindfulness & Meditation for Beginners

Meditation and mindfulness. They are literally all the rage. Something that used to be SO out there is now written about and even promoted in corporate America because the truth is, it works. 

I've been practicing mindfulness every day, 10-15 minutes a day, for over a month. Even I'm shocked. 

So what's the big deal about meditation and mindfulness? Are they the same thing? 

Yes and no. Let's see here:

  • Meditation: the art of letting go, a sense of non-focus (because that sounds easy, right?)

  • Mindfulness: a form of meditation, focused awareness on a single object or activity, brining your awareness to the present moment  

If "Meditation" is the umbrella term, "Mindfulness" is just one of the many methods that fall underneath it to reach that ever-elusive "meditative state". 

Breathing exercises, mantras, walking meditations, visualization, object-focused meditation (starting at a flickering flame or a calming image) are all techniques and methods that can help you reach a meditative state. 

What is this meditative state? A quiet mind. That just means that, even if it's only for a brief moment, you aren't thinking. Your mind is quiet, your thoughts aren't the focus of your mind. 

Meditation is about realizing that our thoughts are not the same as our mind. 

Let that sink in for a moment because it honestly blew my mind (ha!) the first time it truly registered. But all I know are my thoughts! How could my mind be anything more than just a canister for the barrel of monkeys that are my thoughts?! 

Your mind is expansive and mysterious. As a Christian, I think that we're molded after an unexplainable God. And I think that, in His humor, He made parts of us unexplainable too.

Scientists and psychologists are truly diving into the power of mindfulness and meditation now and the facts are incredible. Check out these 20 reasons to meditate. 

Also, 8 science backed facts that happen to your brain when you meditate. 

And as always, I am a huge proponent of Headspace, but there are so many apps available. Find one that works for you and experience the benefits of meditation!

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

Taking Chances

My last fight was war. 

I could go into every detail of each round, but there's better things to talk about. Before this, my last fight was in October and I spent months mentally and physically preparing. I was in the leanest, strongest and most flexible shape of my life. 

This fight? I was not. I was not lean, strong, fast or flexible. I was out of shape, simple as that. 

While I put my name down early in the year for these charity fights, the chances of finding me an opponent were looking slim. Then, 3 weeks before the fights, I got confirmation: we've found you an opponent. I struggled literally up until the day before whether or not I would take the fight. I had said yes, but all I felt was fear and uncertainty. 

I'm not in shape. I haven't trained for almost 5 months. I'm not mentally prepared. It's 7 hours away. The chance of losing is too high. 

The negative thoughts and doubts and fears were my constant companion. 

Here's the truth: By all of my own standards, I wasn't ready for this fight. But you know what's also true? I needed to take a chance. I needed to risk losing in order to get some incredible insight into my own abilities. 

I have big goals with fighting, not necessarily to be a professional, but to get to a level of athleticism and competition I have never encountered. While I may not have been as ready for this specific fight as I would have liked, this was a critical stepping stone in my journey to becoming a world-class fighter. 

It allowed me to see how I perform when I'm exhausted and my natural tendencies when my stamina runs out. Yes, I technically won. I wasn't particularly proud of how I did, but I was proud of doing it, especially in the face of so much self-doubt.  

Very rarely in life will the circumstances be perfect. More often than not, you will be cast into a situation and feel utterly and completely unprepared. Be brave in those moments. You're right, you may not be as ready as you could be--but never let that stop you. Keep your eyes fixed on your end goal and keep moving forward. Take a chance on yourself, risk your ego or in my case, even injury, to get an honest look at where your strengths and weaknesses truly are. 

Now, I feel the fire; I'm ready to attack my weakness and build upon my strengths. I am now able to move forward in my training with real world insight into what's working and what isn't. I have a battle plan. 

So when you're faced with your next challenge and you're certain you are unprepared--take a chance. Moments like mine, and like many I'm sure you've faced, are incredibly powerful lessons. It takes an immense amount of courage to own our shortcoming, but the reward is always greater than the risk. 

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

Photography by Mackenzie Leigh