Gratitude Journal Giveaway

I’M SO EXCITED to share a FREE GRATITUDE JOURNAL!!!! I’ve teamed up with Taylor Best (yes, two Taylors does equal 2x the awesome) of Taylor Best Creative. She is an incredibly talented graphic designer and photographer and agreed to help me bring this idea to life.

This is a single-sheet that you can print out to turn into your own book or print off one at a time on days that you really need it.

Why should i care about “Gratitude”?

There’s a continually growing body of research supporting the theory that gratitude is one of the most powerful practices in cultivating emotional resilience, stability and overall happiness. Based on this scientific evidence, gratitude can make you:

1. Happier than money or things

2. Emotionally strong

3. Physically healthier

4. Better at your job

5. Get better quality sleep

Feels like five solid reasons to start practicing gratitude, amiright? And if that’s not enough, here’s a couple more articles.

How do I start a “gratitude practice”?

So gratitude is great and awesome and all that but what does it mean to “practice gratitude”? GLAD YOU ASKED! It’s so easy to think about something like soccer practice. If someone told you that you needed to get better at soccer, you’d go to practice. You’d show up at a set time every day, do the drills given to you, work hard, go home. Do it all over again, day after day.

Practice is practice, no matter what you’re talking about. In order to get better at gratitude, you have to practice it.

Start by having a journal and setting a time and place to use it. Whether it’s at the end of the day, middle or beginning, set your time to practice. If you use the download, you’ll have a couple different areas of life to think about: present day, general life and specific people and events. Some days might be easier for certain areas and vice versa—but that’s the point of practice! Being grateful for every part of you day and your life will feel more natural over time and, as you now know, reverberate positivity and health into all parts of your life.

I hope you enjoy starting or continuing your current gratitude practice with the help of this handy guide!

Check out Taylor Best Creative website and instagram for more beautiful photos and art!

Gratitude: why it matters and how to get better at it

This past week, life did that thing where everything got terrifyingly and unstoppably out of control. And despite my feelings of guilt and frustration…the world kept spinning.

The only thing that changed was my attitude. So let’s jump on in.

What does gratitude mean?

Gratitude is defined as the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness: she expressed her gratitude to the committee for their support. 

That’s why gratitude comes up so much around Thanksgiving. It can be considered one and the same. So if it makes it easier to think of ways to be “grateful” just replace it with “thankful”.

What does gratitude feel like?

I find that when I express gratitude, I’m overcome by a sense of humility.

Let me explain. I have a choice about how to react when awful or even slightly frustrating things happen. I can choose to be angry and tell myself, “I don’t deserve for something like that to happen to me.”

In essence, I’m saying that I’m better than my problems or my hardships.

That I am somehow exempt from those things happening to me. And I often feel that way. I get pissed and think, “I didn’t deserve that. I should be better than that happening.”

But when I choose to show gratitude for those experiences, I am choosing to humble myself to that experience and accept the truth that I’m not better than what happens to me.

I don’t necessarily deserve for good or bad things to happen or not happen. I’m alive by the grace of God and have ZERO control as to what happens to me in life, despite my constant pretending that I do. When you stop telling yourself that you “deserve” anything in life, you create space to be thankful for everything in life, even the hardships.

Gratitude keeps me humble. It reminds me that no matter the circumstance, I am called to be thankful.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18  (NIV)

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

It’s not just about saying, “I’m thankful for this terrible thing that I actually hate.” Do you really think that’s ever going to feel genuine? Definitely not.

Truly accepting that there is beauty and grace in both the good and bad things will slowly shift the way you experience LIFE.

It can be a challenge but practice thinking about the greater good and the lesson that is derived from whatever hardship you’re dealing with. Here’s what it looks like for me.

I’m grateful for:

• Late nights at the office because I know that my effort doesn’t go unseen and hard work always paves the way to better rewards

• Bills because, while paying them off is stressful, they teach me how to be mindful and thoughtful with how I spend my money elsewhere

• Injuries because they give me space to slow down and heal and teach me to appreciate my body

• Hard training sessions because they fuel the desire to win so much more than winning does alone

Just like everything else in life, gratitude takes practice. When I first started keeping a gratitude journal, I only focused on the obviously good things. It’s much, much easier, but is also a necessary part of practicing gratitude, something we’ll talk more about later.

To help you get better, check out my free Gratitude Journal!

Sharing is Caring: We all deal with insecurity

The truth is, from the depths of my soul, I am incredibly insecure. Deeply, painfully, embarrassingly at times. I feel like less of a person when other people get compliments. I lash out if I feel like I'm not the center of attention. I have difficulty being happy for others' successes or accomplishments--I mostly feel jealousy and a fear that it makes me...less. Less than perfect. Less beautiful. Less intelligent. Less loved. Less important. Less successful.

The hard truth is that jealousy and insecurity are just different manifestations of the same feeling: worthlessness. 

I have at least 5 blogs about worth, comparison and the like. But the reason I continue to share my struggles with worthlessness, jealousy, insecurity, and meaning is because I know that in some way, shape or form--you feel it too. 

You, whoever you are. There are moments, maybe late at night, alone in the dark, when you look at the ceiling and tell yourself, "I'm not as handsome as him. I'm not as successful as her." And you know that those thoughts are just part of a bigger, deeper longing to be enough. To feel like you're worth a damn. 

I'm here to tell you that you are worth a damn. And thankfully, no amount of jealousy or comparison or doubt or hate for others success will make you enough. We can find hope in something better and more beautiful than the darkness of insecurity and loneliness. I believe that our meaning is given to us by God; that our worth comes from grace and the price that was paid. Nothing else can fill that hole the way that He can. 

But even if you don't share that exact view, you're still loved. You are still worthy, you are still enough. The breath in your lungs is precious; the yearnings of your soul bring something beautiful and unique and wholly yours into the world. Perhaps you don't find your worth in God, but please, take a moment to internalize the truth that the existence of someone else does not detract from how bright and beautiful and necessary your light is. 

I have no solution. I have no how-to step. I'm just a broken, sinful person who struggles, daily, with feeling jealous, insecure, and worthless. But one of my core beliefs is that we give power to what we hide. Only by sharing our personal struggles can we realize that we are not alone. Only together can we support and encourage each other to become better, more confident, more secure, more self-aware, more peaceful, more loving human beings. 

So, friend, you are not alone. And while I may not have answers, I have courage and strength in the knowledge that we all share the burden of finding worth, of feeling shame and insecurity and jealousy.

And together, we can share our stories, share our struggles, and in time, share our freedom. 

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If this post resonated with you, shoot me an email at taylorguido@gmail.com or leave a comment! And if it didn't, please feel free to still email or comment, I'd love to know your thoughts and your take on it. 

Learn to love "No"

"That won't work."

"We already have something like that."

"I'm not sure that's what we're looking for."

"No."

How do you react to these statements? Do they break your spirit? They break mine. Over and over and over again, I am continuously faced with the answer: no. It can crush your creative spirit, your will to offer ideas, your desire to improve. 

But it can also be the catalyst for those very things. 

It doesn't happen over night and it doesn't happen by accident. It takes conscious practice and effort to change your innate response to being told no. It takes mindfulness, courage, vulnerability, and patience. But it can be done. 

If it couldn't, I wouldn't be writing this blog. I wouldn't have been inspired to create when I encountered yet another road block. But because I have fallen flat on my face, stumbled over so many other difficulties up until this point, this time I was able to choose a different response. Next time I may sit down and cry and need a pep talk...but not this time. 

It's a messy way to live. It's never perfect. But those sparks of creativity and growth that come from learning to love setbacks and the struggle can become incredibly powerful tools of communication, pieces of art, solutions to problems. 

What comes to mind when you read this? A physical challenge? A relationship? A project you're working on? Whatever it is, just notice it. Don't think about more ways to change or challenge or fight it. Just stay aware. And the next time you're hit with that version of "No", choose to react differently. 

Practice, practice, practice. That's all it is. Learning to love "No" will give you the ability to experience hardships and struggles and only become stronger, more equipped to handle difficulties, and more confident in yourself. 

What defines you?

I totally took some quizzes on Pottermore (I love Harry Potter, lay off me) in hopes that they would tell me who I am. And they did, in part. I learned that I could define myself by a number of easily digestible, one-dimensional traits, like intelligence or loyalty.

It’d be so much easier if a quiz could just tell me who I am because then I wouldn’t have to think about it. Sometimes it’s hard to make sense of everything about yourself. If you’re like me, you know you’re a hot mess of complex emotions. But even the most level-headed of people can experience conflicting sides and wonder, who am I really? How do I “categorize” myself? If you let go of every identifier you have--your race, your gender, your sexuality--what would be left? Do you know?

In the midst of the chaos that surrounds us currently, I think these are critically important question to reflect on. The color of our skin should never divide us; but it does. So who are we? Are we so simple and one-dimensional that an online quiz can churn out answers for us in less than a minute? Is it really as straightforward as categorizing people as a privileged white person or an angry black person?

No. Of course not. In God’s great humor and wisdom, this seemingly violent sport has taught me so much about unity and respect.

Since beginning kickboxing, my friend group has both grown and diversified in the most wonderful of ways. We all have different stories, different skin colors, different sexualities, different income levels, different levels of experience, different ways of learning, different senses of humor. But what we share is respect. A deep, unifying level of respect that says, “I don’t care what you are, I see who you are. And you’re just like me.”

By respecting our differences, we are able to come together as people just trying to make ourselves and our situations in life better. We’re able to support each other, without judgment, to reach our diverse goals. We share our drive, courage, humility, discipline, joy, pain, determination and vulnerability with each other every single day. We share our humanity and see ourselves in each other. We know what it takes to step into a ring and fight. Fighting breaks you down to who you are at your core, and when that happens, you see--we’re not different at all.

It's important to understand that the things that truly define us are not the things that make us different. Our differences allow for discussion and growth and a chance to understand the complexity of our shared world. Don't define yourself or others simply by our visible differences. Our nation currently functions under the influence of oppression and fear, bred from a history of racism, sexism and general bigotry. Be human enough to understand that, when all is striped away, we feel the same. We fight the same. We are the same. We must never stop working to make the intangible qualities that we share as human beings the true lens through which we define ourselves and our peers. 

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I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

Do you feel it too?

So, I lost my first fight. It’s a painful feeling, working relentlessly for months just for ten minutes of work--the most excruciating and exhilarating 10 minutes of your life thus far. 

But this isn't a post about my fight. It's about the fact that I noticed, when my fight was over and all was said and done, I felt shame. I was embarrassed. I wasn't just upset that I lost, I felt like a fool for even trying. I cried the whole car ride home and wished I had never told anyone about my hopes and dreams and wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. But why???

I had just done something incredible and really, really, REALLY hard. Why was I anything but proud of myself? Why was I afraid of what people would say? Because I believed I had to be perfect. My story was supposed to be a happy, perfect, successful one. We all adhere to the very apparent yet silent rule that we can't make mistakes or have imperfections or experience failure in order to be "normal" and most certainly to ever be "successful". We've all traded in reality for a highlight reel; a shallow, contrived version of life, hidden behind the facade of perfection. 

It's definitely safer that way. It's much safer to never put yourself out there because, I promise, you will never get hurt. If you never try, you will most certainly never fail. But if you try, at anything, you're going to fail eventually. You are going to work incredibly hard at something and not achieve the result you so badly desired. And I'm here to tell you, you should never be ashamed of that. 

There is no shame in trying. There is no shame in trying as hard as you can and still not succeeding. There is no shame in being vulnerable, being real, and being honest with who you are and what you want out of life. There is no shame in being human. The fact that I felt shame so deeply for not meeting this idea of "perfection" tells me that other people feel it too; because we're not different. We're imperfect. We're all just people, trying desperately to pretend we don't feel ashamed for our lack of perfection. 

I LOVED every breathless, painful, confusing and overwhelming second of that fight. It confirmed for me that I want nothing more than to be the best in the world at this sport, no matter how long it takes. And I'm willing to put in the work, the hours, the money, the losses, and the wins that come with that. But I'll be damned if I ever let myself feel ashamed for trying, ever again. 

So whatever you're working towards, pursue it wholeheartedly. Fail. Learn. Improve. Take pride in your effort, in your vulnerability, in your imperfection--and never ever, ever be ashamed for trying. For any of it.  

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I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

You can't do this alone.

I see it and hear it all the time. People say that you need to believe in your dreams more than you believe in anything else. More than you believe in the sun, in air, more than you want anything at all EVER. Only YOU have the power to make things happen. Only then can you accomplish your goals. How melodramatic. 

I think that’s complete B.S. Here’s why.

The fact is, you are NOT always going to believe in yourself. This isn’t me being a downer or a doubter or a hater or a dream crusher. This is a fact. You’re HUMAN. It’s called “certainty” and “doubt” and they continually flux from one side to the other (read up here if you're interested). If you care about something deeply, whatever that may be, you are going to experience fear and doubt and insecurity because you care about it. 

When you face challenges, doubt is going to creep in. And maybe you can will yourself through 99% of the obstacles and fears you face and think, I’ve got this!

But what about when you can’t? When you've reached the end of your rope and there is nowhere to go but down? When you’re sitting on your floor crying into a bowl of mashed potatoes because you’re so frustrated and don’t know what the point is anymore? (Not that I would know anything about that...)

Because that is going to happen. You’re going to experience doubt and frustration and deal with obstacles and negative thoughts.

At some point, in a big or small way, your belief in yourself will break. 

When that happens, you need support. You need OTHER PEOPLE who believe in you and your goals. You need someone in your life who can look at you in all your brokenness and defeat and doubt and self-loathing and say, “I love you. I believe in you. I know this is hard. Now keep going.”

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A few days ago, I doubted myself. HARD. I have a tendency to be wildly over dramatic, so when I’m upset, it’s the end of the world. And in typical fashion, I spiraled out of control into the “I suck, I’m terrible, why am I doing this” self-talk and sent a flurry of frustrated, angry, "this is the end of everything" texts to my boyfriend.

He didn’t let me throw a pity party or patronizingly say, I’m sorry you feel that way, it’s gonna be okay. He didn’t make me feel guilty for being upset. He didn't say, You're right, maybe you should throw in the towel if you're this upset.

No. He said, “I don’t believe that and neither should you. I don’t want to hear you talk like this. You can’t just give up every time you don’t do as well as you want to. This is how you get better.”

In short, he said: I BELIEVE IN YOU. Now SHAKE IT OFF and KEEP GOING. 

His reaction made me realize that I CAN'T do this alone. I need people in my life to hold me accountable to my goals because I am breakable and I will want to give up. And that's okay. 

It's egotistical and utterly foolish to say that you can achieve incredible things through sheer willpower and self-reliance alone, or even that merely believing in yourself is all it takes. 

Be vulnerable and honest with the people you love and that love you to tell them when you DON'T believe anymore. Because their support is the difference between unfulfilled goals and accomplishing your wildest dreams. 

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I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

I don't want you to win.

I’ll be deeply, vulnerably, horribly honest for a second: I don’t always want other people to succeed.

There, I said it! Isn’t that terrible? I’m competitive. SUPER competitive. So sometimes I get caught up in the comparison game. I look at other athletes’ success and think, “If they’re doing well, that means I’m NOT.”  Or I think, “If I help that person, they’ll get better than me and then I’m going to fail.”

That’s the ugly, ugly truth. But the thing is, all of us think that way sometimes (validate me here, I’m hoping I’m not the only jerk in the room). Comparison is natural. Fear and insecurity are natural--we’re only human.

But we have a choice, whether to act on those thoughts or to change them. I had to get some help to change mine.

I got real with my friend/mentor/hero, Kesha, about this and she put it so perfectly: “Your opponent is not your competition. Even in a fight, YOU are your competition. And these people here are your teammates, we’re here to make each other better.”

Per usual, she’s always right. By letting my competitive nature get the best of me, I’m not only preventing my teammates from improving, I’m letting fear stifle my own growth and progress. We must seek out and learn from those that are better than us and bring others up with us in order to reach our full potential. As they say, iron sharpens iron. I don’t want to be afraid of someone else’s success. It doesn’t negate mine or make me less of an athlete.

In a seemingly solo sport, it’s hard to remember that sometimes. I just wanna be the best. But at what costs? And am I really willing to put myself in a position that could potentially make someone else better than me? Am I confident enough in my own abilities to invest in someone else’s growth the same way that I invest in mine?

I think back to the women that helped, and are still helping, me when I first joined. What kind of environment would that have been to ask them for guidance, only to be ignored? I may have looked for another gym, who knows. But I certainly wouldn’t have progressed at the rate that I have and have such strong relationships with fellow female athletes.

I say it all the time and try to emulate other women that live it out: “Empowered women empower women.” It is so, so, SO easy to forget that and to fall into the pit of comparison and let fear drive your behavior.

Part of my fight is letting go of my insecurity and desire to dominate in order to make other people better. I am not naturally altruistic; I am selfish. I want to be the best, always, at everything. But having a self-centric mindset will never make you better. I'm realizing that the only way to improve ourselves is by investing in others. 

In order to become empowered, inspired, improved--we must empower, inspire, and improve those around us. 

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I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

5 Things More Important to Have than "a Plan"

I never had a plan. It dawned on me as I sat at a job I never thought I’d have in a town that I never thought I would live in again about to go train for a sport I had never imagined I’d love. Seeing the trend here?

Rewind to mere high school days: I knew I had to go to college, I knew I needed to get good grades and be involved and make memories and blah blah blah. You know the drill. But I think in my 17-year-old brain, before I launched myself into college life and the true beginning of adulthood, I just figured I’d become...enlightened? Even being so close to my twenties at that age, that felt like a different level of adulthood, and that upon entering into my twenties, I would suddenly have a deep-seated understanding of what to do with my life. You know, “a plan”.

LOL. Yeah right.

Now at 24, quickly approaching 25, I realize:

1. I am nothing more than a glorified toddler, and that’s on a good day.

2. Having “a plan” is not nearly as important as people make it out to be.

I’ve learned a handful of things that are far more important to have than “a plan” in life. And here they are.

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1. Self-responsibility

If you haven’t learned this, let it sink in right now: YOU are YOUR responsibility. It is no one else’s job to take care of you. You are the only person responsible for your well-being, success, happiness, and future. YOU.

Not your mom, not your teacher, not your coaches, not your boss, not your brother, not your bestie, not your dad, not your sister, not your S.O., not your mentor, not your - WHOEVER ELSE.

You. Just you. If you don’t understand that or believe that, your life is going to suck and you will always be a “victim”. Do not spend your life blaming other people for the things you don’t have and waiting around for someone to tell you what to do. Be bold enough to actively figure out what you want and pursue it completely, with full abandon. It’s both terrifying and utterly freeing but the sooner you take responsibility for your life and your actions, the sooner you’ll start creating a life you truly love.

2. Goals

Don’t get it twisted. “Goals” are not innately “plans” and having “plans” does not mean you have “goals”. Goals are specific moments you can achieve; plans are general ideas without a definite endpoint. While I never had a plan, I always had goals. You can change your goals as you see fit, but having something specific to achieve makes the uncertainty of life feel significantly less overwhelming. Goal setting how to’s: here.

3. Hobbies

The things that bring you joy in life are a pretty solid guiding light when it comes to what you should pursue. Example: I was always into sports and exercise. That led to a career with one of the largest athletic apparel retailers in the world and a hands-on job at a high-end fitness center in the Silicon Valley. Not only that, my desire to try new sports led me to kickboxing, and now I have an entirely new set of goals, friends and sweet ninja skills. Before that, I pursued dancing and was able to dance with some of the most talented choreographers in hip-hop today. But one thing has always remained true--my hobbies and interests led me to the experiences in life where I was MOST satisfied. Brick by brick, I laid the foundation of my life upon the activities most dear to me. Cliches are cliches for a reason: pursue your passions, especially if you don’t know where they’ll lead.

4. Relationships

We’re relational creatures. As an extroverted individual, I need people; but what I’ve learned is that I need quality people. The kind of people that can crack a joke one moment and have a deep conversation the next. People that care about you and that you deeply care about. Relationships take time and effort but they are the most important investment you can make in life. Be open to investing in new people and fight to stay connected with old friends and family.

5. Adventures

I’m an adventure addict. I’ll drive across the country in a van with semi-strangers and take a job in a city halfway across the world; I live for the unexpected. That’s taught me a valuable lesson--make room for adventure in your life. Whether that be a weekend away in a city you’ve never seen or going sky-diving, decide your level of adventure and lean into those uncertain, unorganized moments of life. Those are the moments that shake you out of the ordinary and put a spotlight on the things you hold most dear.

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No one will ever have it all figured out (whatever that even means). There will always be things to learn, people to meet, and experiences to have. You will get bruised and broken by people and circumstances outside of your control. But in my few years of being a full-fledged, tax-paying grown up, I’ve realized to embrace the uncertainty and use these 5 things as guides and tools to create a life you truly love. No plan required. 

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"Pretty"

“Wow they’re both so pretty.” “She looks a little fat still but I know she’s really strong.” “I really hope both women are still pretty after this.”

“He’s an animal!” “He’s got great movement.” “These guys are tearing each other apart.”

As I sat on a couch with my friends watching Miesha Tate and Holly Holm knock each other senseless, then once more while Nate Diaz bled all over the octagon and Conor McGregor got choked out, I observed some interesting things.

I listened to how my fellow female athletes spoke about these incredible professional female fighters. We noticed their skill, their movement, their technique; we talked about each woman’s fighting background and what each brought to the table. We looked at them like athletes.

But we also openly criticized their bodies. We talked about just how pretty they were and if, Lord forbid, something were happen to their faces. We looked at them like objects, like things that we could comment on, critique, and compare based on society’s standard of beauty.

Granted, we noticed the male fighters’ physiques as well. But the way we talked about it was different. It wasn’t, “He’s so handsome!” It was, “He’s a BEAST.” We spoke about the men in hushed tones compared to the way we loudly debated the degree to which these women were worthy of attractiveness.

Why?

I don’t say this to chastise my friends or to shame anyone for talking this way. I was a part of it. Which is why I felt so compelled to write about it. I think we need to examine the way we do things in order to do them better; I truly believe these kinds of comments diminish both the athletic talent and the professionalism of female fighting.

Both fights were phenomenal. All four athletes fought hard and deserve to be recognized as leaders and lethal weapons in the world of mixed martial arts.

But no one looked at Nate Diaz and said, “He’s not exactly easy on the eyes.” Why is that? Why do we feel so painfully comfortable commenting on the appearance of women at all times? These are professional FIGHTERS. They train to hit and get hit in the face. They bleed, sweat, kick, punch and claw their way to victory. So why on earth are we concerned for their beauty?

These are gladiators. Their beauty is far more than skin deep and their external beauty should be our last concern.

I realize this isn’t unique to the sport of fighting. This is an overarching issue that’s plaguing the way we communicate to, with, and about women in every area, not just athletics.

But this is a blog about fighting, and as a female fighter, part of the reason I do this is for equality. My hope is for us to be able to look at male and female athletes the same. I want fighting to be a sport that looks at a female athlete for her skill, her character, her heart, her dedication and her hard work. Not her “pretty face.”

I think this sport is an incredible platform for equality; women are showing that they are just as tough, dedicated, and skilled as men in a high-contact sport.

The most beautiful thing I saw during that fight was the way Miesha Tate took that victory, how she honored and respected Holly for being a fierce competitor. You could feel her joy, seeing the years of hard work and dedication playing in her mind as that belt was wrapped around her waist. She demonstrated how patience, commitment, and unyielding confidence in your own abilities can lead to greatness. It was something that both men and women can identify with, respect, and be inspired by.

And that’s the kind of beauty worth talking about.

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The day I didn't cry.

I don’t think you understand. Getting hit in the face is EMOTIONAL. We were not made to fight--not like this. My friend/coach/hero, LaKesha Springle, always says that. “God didn’t make us to fight, he made us to love each other.” This is coming from a world class kickboxer, mind you, so it's not like she doesn't know how to fight. More than anyone, she understands the intense emotional upheaval that happens every single time you step into the ring; the very real mental and emotional battle that takes place when you decide to compete in a high-stress, full contact, sweaty, exhausting and painful game of tag. 

So why voluntarily get hit? Why even engage in a sport that is emotionally, physically and mentally draining? Well, read on, my friend.

Yesterday, I sparred with Kesha and my goal was to throw combinations. Her goal? Get me to cry.

Let me elaborate: I cry a lot. I’m already an emotional person. Think, New Girl’s Jessica Day.

That’s me, each and every day about life in general. God gave me lots of feelings and they come out of my eyes, what can I say.

However, I’m blessed enough to have an experienced, badass sparring partner who has realized this about me and knows I have to reach my breaking point--my panic induced tearfest--so I can learn how to control my emotions and use them to focus, not freak out.

The moment:

Third round, she got me exactly where she wanted me: stuck in the corner with no clear way out. With speed I can only dream about, she hit me with a few hard body shots, knowing it would aggravate me and send me into a panic. Literally saved by the bell, I felt the tears surge to my eyes as I walked back to my corner, feeling frustrated and defeated. But I kept breathing.

 I don’t have to cry. I am O.K. Keep breathing, keep moving. You’re O.K.

And it worked. The tears blinked away, mixing with sweat, and I made it through my fourth and final round, breathing heavy but remaining (somewhat) calm. Did I cry after? You betcha! But the point is that in my moment of stress, rage, uncertainty and pain--I didn’t cry.

So why put yourself through that, you ask?

Because I refuse to live a life of comfort and conformity, never pushing myself beyond the limitations that society has set. We’re told to do things that only make us happy, keep us comfortable, numb us to life.

What I learned:

There is no joy without pain and there is no victory without loss; these things are connected, we know that by now. Yin and Yang, light and dark--these aren’t new concepts. Success and failure work the same way, existing as intricately connected opposites. 

The day I didn’t cry was a big moment for me. A moment of mental strength and toughness that has taken me months to build up to. I still held my breath, I still got frustrated. I dropped my hands, I didn’t move enough. The list goes on and on because this is a journey of struggle and growth, not an overnight transformation into Bruce Lee.

But I inched a little closer towards control, towards allowing myself to be in the midst of chaos and remain calm inside.

And isn’t that the true goal? Not only to push ourselves to new limits, but to create new “normals”.

Yesterday, I didn’t cry. I take that forward with me today, building upon it to become the person, athlete and woman I want to be.

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My First Black Eye

The moment:

I’d never been hit so hard. For a second, I thought I was going to fall over--I had to catch myself. Two to the head and I don’t know how many to the body. But it was hard and it was fast.

What 3 hours of training, 2 kicks to the ribs, 1 clean hook to the face, a gallon of sweat and a good ol-fashioned ugly cry looks like. 

And then, the rage. I felt it burning in my stomach and flying through my arms, taking over my entire body. My vision blurred from the tears, not because of the pain, but because of how pissed I was that I let him hit me. That I wasn’t blocking myself, that I wasn’t as fast or as skilled. And yeah, that he hit me that hard.

Doesn’t he know I’m learning? Is he trying to kill me?! IS THIS HOW IT ENDS?!

He didn’t let up and didn’t slow down, still getting (hard) punches in; meanwhile, I was internally feeling like the Incredible Hulk was about to burst from my chest and kill him.

But he didn’t. And I didn’t. What I did was keep fighting. I was hyperventilating, crying, on the verge of an asthma attack, losing my cool, my arms were too far out, I clearly forgot all the technique I ever learned...but I wasn’t going to stop. I wasn’t going to give up. I wasn’t going to let this be the end.

What happened:

Yesterday, I got my first black eye! A rite of passage has occurred! A “shiner” to induct me into the family of badasses I spend my free time around. Next lesson: how to NOT get a black eye by moving my head out of the way. Oops.

My coach/sparring partner is one of the fastest, most talented boxers I’ve ever met. He challenges me every day to become better; and yesterday, he stepped it up a notch.

What I learned:

• I am powerful. I am TOUGH. I am...not as effective as I could be. Learning how to focus my anger on my technique and my opponent will be a huge asset as I grow as an athlete. And that it’s natural to have NO idea how to do that at first and mostly just want to turn into the She-Hulk.

• I am surrounded by people that love, support and believe in me. No one coddled me or saw my tears as a weakness; they’ve been in the same position and know that these are tears of exhaustion, frustration and growth. They talked me through what I was doing wrong (i.e., not moving my head) and told me how to improve (i.e., move your head dummy, it’s getting hit). No judgement, only support.

• Life hits harder than anyone you fight will. Wear your scars and bruises with pride because they mean you’ve experienced defeat and decided to keep fighting.

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