My History with Eating Disorders

This is a reshare of an Instagram post I wrote back in 2019. I felt like it was worth sharing here on my blog!

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1️⃣
High school (2009) Cheerleading captain, homecoming queen (the most awkward one EVER 😂), Student Life “Prefect”, Honors Student...and severely bulimic. Some nights I’d binge and purge till my eyes were bloodshot and fake sick the next day because my anxiety and shame were too intense, so debilitating that I couldn’t be around people.

High School 2009

2️⃣
College (2009-2012) Started seeing a therapist and found exercise I loved: @crossfitdiscovery, @peacelovehiphop, yoga & Zumba. But my disorder morphed, now binging 1000s of calories at once and then punishing myself with extreme workouts.

College 2011

3️⃣
Post-college, California (2012-2015) Working at @lululemon & @fnstrainingcenter helped fitness become part of my identity. I adored my communities and loved exercise, but my disorder changed again: body dysmorphia. No matter how fit I looked, it was never enough. I was obsessed with my appearance and linked it directly to how much love and worth I felt I deserved.

Lululemon 2014

4️⃣
Post-California, back in Augusta (2015-2018) I started kickboxing. Fighting changed my life; I felt capable & empowered. My focus shifted from appearance to valuing performance: getting faster, stronger, more skilled at a sport. But with competing came cutting weight. I lost so much fat that my hormones took over a year to heal. Not only that, my issues with body dysmorphia and general body anxiety came back stronger than ever.

IKF Championship 2017

5️⃣
Present day (2019) Through @betterhelp, I finally addressed the emotional issues causing my years of eating disorders. I‘ve broken the binging/purging cycle once and for all and adopted a mindset of #bodyneutrality. I have extra fat and strong muscles. I have days of insecurity, self-love and neutrality. And for the first time, I can post a bikini picture without wanting to physically hurt myself.

Beach 2019

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I wrote this back in 2019, it’s amazing to remember the journey I’ve had in this battle with food disorders. It’s taken so much support from friends, loved ones, coaches, and therapists. I had to make hard decisions about what was TRULY best for me, like the decision to stop fighting because of how triggering it was for my body issues and how truly hard it was on my body. The decision to stop working in fitness because I had become so obsessed with fitness as a definition of myself.

These were not easy choices. But I can confidently tell you, they were for the absolute best. I am happier than I’ve been in a long time. I don’t think about my body like I used to. I celebrate her! I love my rolls, my strength, my space.

It has taken TIME, friend. SO much time. Over a decade. And I’m sure that I will continue to face new versions of this disorder as my life and body continue to change.

But I hope my story can give you hope and give you the motivation to get help. Change is possible and freedom from those never-ending thoughts is a future you can have.

Please, if you have not asked for help, find a therapist on to BetterHelp or reach out to the National Association for Eating Disorders to find a resource near you.

Love you, you matter ❤️

How To Cope with Emotional Eating

Who here likes to eat their feelings?

Y’all feel me though right?! Emotional eating. Let’s talk about it.

Emotions are SO CLOSELY related to food. From being excited about your parents letting you eat candy when you’re young, getting a special treat when you won your soccer game, your mom taking you out for ice cream when your first boyfriend broke your heart, the emotions you feel eating the Christmas cookies your grandma used to make herself, the relaxation you feel as you sip that glass of wine, the guilt (and possible hangover) you feel when you have a few too many glasses.

For most of us, food = feelings and memories. The good, the bad and the ugly, if we feel it, we’ve probably eaten something to go along with it.

How do i cope with emotional eating?

I’ve shared my journey with binging, eating disorders and cutting weight previously, so I won’t dig in to those topics here. But obviously, emotional eating ties right in with a history of eating disorders. And while I hope that you do not have a full blown eating disorder, many of us find ourselves stuck in a cycle of emotional eating OR just know that if a stressful day hits—we’re done for. So how do we: one, get out of the emotional eating cycle and two, prepare ourselves so that the next time the tough emotions come a-knockin’ (because we know they inevitably will), we aren’t waist deep in Doritos by the end of the night?

When the emotions have taken over and you’re already Eating your heart out:

Don’t be so hard on yourself.

This is one of those “easier said than done” moments. I get it. Because I have friends and family say this to me at LEAST once a week. So take it from the Queen of Unnecessarily-Hard-On-Myself Land—STOP beating yourself up! It will not make you stop eating your feelings, it will only cause more shame/guilt/desire to eat yourself into oblivion. Trust me.

When you feel the need to feed coming on but catch yourself:

Channel your emotions into something other than food.

Stressful work meeting causing you to make a beeline for the candy bowl? Take a walk (to somewhere other than the kitchen). Call a friend and TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS (novel idea isn’t it?). Pet a dog, any dog will do, they all love pats. Start writing a blog about how to stop emotional eating (hi, hello, I’m Taylor and I write about what I’m going through!).

When you’re questioning the meaning of life post-Food Coma:

Ask yourself: what am/was I avoiding by eating?

When I was deep in my eating disorders, I wasn’t actually upset with my body. Yes, I 100% took my emotions OUT on my body and used food as the vehicle through which I could channel my inner turmoil and then focus all my attention on my body. Something I could fix, something I could control. You know what I was really running from though? Years of anxiety caused from traumatic experiences: my mom getting breast cancer when I was young, my parents never being together, growing up feeling different than my friends because I only had one parent, feeling like a mistake for being born. Those were some DEEP SCARS. But instead of digging into those pains, I turned to food, binging, purging, and hating myself. Because those were things I could touch, feel, taste. Emotions are not so tangible (sadly, because I’d love to know what joy ACTUALLY tastes like! I’m guessing something like birthday cake and 4th of July potluck food. Not at the same time. That’d be gross.)

When you’re feeling more self-aware, this step can be used BEFORE you start eating those feelings. Because as we know, if you’re eating emotions, something is causing you to feel that way. Maybe it isn’t something happening in the moment or maybe it is. But through practice, patience and self-compassion, you can start to slow down and ask yourself, What’s really going on here? And maybe you’ll still want to eat that pint of Ben and Jerry’s! I’m not stopping you. But I hope that you’ll also be able to really lean in to whatever is at the ROOT of your desire to eat.

Chances are, you won’t feel the need to binge anymore. You’ll feel super proud of yourself for being so in tune with your ~~feEeEeLiNgS~~.

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How do you cope with emotional eating? Drop me a comment below and tell me what works for you! I’d love to hear :)

How to Recover after a Binge

I’m writing this because I need it.

Because I still struggle with eating disorders. It’s a life long battle and I know that.

But I also know it gets better. Because after over ten years of living with eating and anxiety disorders, I’ve experienced it all. Whether you’re actively seeking help to overcome a binge disorder or you’re a seasoned vet who just had a hard day and fell back onto old habits, here are some things that help me move forward in a healthy way:

1. Tell Someone Who Loves You

   This. It’s the first step and the hardest step because part of what gives binging its power is that it’s a secret. A dirty, nasty, shameful secret that you don’t want to tell anyone because if you don’t tell…you can just pretend it isn’t a problem. Binging can be triggered by so many things: a stressful event, boredom turned sadness, loneliness, the list goes on. The binge is already being used as a shield to hide from whatever is causing it—so shine light on it. Tell someone who loves you that you had a binge and you’re feeling crappy now. Tell them they don’t have to say anything but you just needed someone to know. Whenever I share the fact that I binged, it doesn’t matter what the other person says: I immediately feel a weight lifted because I know that I don’t have to hide from my problems or behind my mistakes. I can admit I did something that didn’t make me feel good and it paves the way to taking more actions that DO make me feel good.

2. Figure Out the Root

Was it a bad day at work? A nagging stress that finally came to a head? A picture on social media that just made you feel less-than? Literally all of those things have driven me to into the arms of my eating disorder. And I’m sure in the future, those things will again. IT HAPPENS. But knowing what your triggers are and ways to avoid them drastically limits the likelihood of it being the same event, over and over again. So grab a pen and paper and write down what’s going on in there; being honest with yourself about the real reason helps refocus your mind from feeling guilty or upset about bingeing to truly dealing with whatever your trigger was.

3. Treat Yourself Like Your Best Friend

This is one of my favorite rules and one that my best friend constantly reminds me of when I try to overcorrect after a binge. I’ll always say something like, “I just won’t eat today!” and her response is, “Would you EVER tell me to do that if I were in your shoes?” Of course not. That’s insane. You don’t need to punish yourself for binging. Would you tell someone you love that they don’t deserve to eat because they were upset and fell back on their eating disorder??? Only an jerk would do that. So don’t be an jerk to yourself. Remember, you are worthy of love and you can treat the next day like you would any other, no self-inflicted punishment required.

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If you struggle with eating disorders or anxiety disorders that show up through binging, purging or a combination of all of the above, don’t hesitate to get help. I'm a staunch advocate for BetterHelp, a secure, online service that connects you with a professional counselor or psychologist for a flat monthly fee. I’ve used it during very stressful times in my life and walked away with the behavioral and mindset tools that keep me mentally healthy for the long run! If you’re actively struggling with any of these issues, please check it out!

How to Achieve Body Neutrality

Body Neutrality: my latest obsessive thought. I saw this instagram post by @stupideasypaleo (Steph Gaudreau), had to read the whole blog. And then my mind exploded. 

Post and photo property of @stupideasypaleo 

This. THIS. It's such a healthy and coveted place to be. As of late, I too have found myself in a more neutral state. And while that is completely ground breaking for someone who suffered from eating disorders and body obsession, it dawned on me that the change happened so gradually, so slowly over such a long period of time that I almost didn't realize it happened. 

So then the question becomes how? How did I get to a place of body neutrality? How did I wake up one day and look at myself in the mirror and feel neither hate nor joy? How do I now have more thoughts about living my life than about the container from which I experience it (i.e. this bag of bones)? 

How I've Reached a Place of Body Neutrality (And you can too)

Read about it

I loved Steph's post and fangirled a little when she mentioned having read Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristen Neff. That book was a game changer for me and a tool that I highly recommend. I would highly, highly recommend finding a resource to help you get started so that way, you always have a tool to refer back to. I'm also a huge fan of Brene Brown; she has a million resources on her website that are a great place to start!

Intentionally practice it

Research and knowledge are the keys to getting started, but the bottom line is that it not only takes time to change your mindset--it takes consistent effort over time. The unglamorous truth is that the only way to improve a skill is to practice it over and over and over and over and over and over (and you get the picture) again, without any real end in sight and with intention.

Pick a single thought pattern to address at a time. For example, if you have a specific body part that you hate, pay attention when you start thinking negatively about it. Instead of replacing that thought with something completely positive (that you may not even believe to be true), follow it up with something neutral. 

Example:

Initial Negative thought: I hate my arms, they're way too big and make me self-conscious. 

Following Neutral thought: My arms are not incredibly skinny but they are also not incredibly large. The more I think about it, they're probably just average. 

It does not have to be something profound or meaningful or groundbreaking. It just needs to be something neutral and true to you. Just focus on one thing at a time, mindfully addressing the negative thought when it comes up and after time, maybe days or weeks or months in your particular case, you'll start automatically thinking about that body part in a more neutral way. 

Meditate 

I don't think it would be a blog post by yours truly if I didn't mention meditation. Giving yourself the space to think about nothing at all frees your brain up to think differently about everything. In no uncertain terms, I can say that meditation has changed the way I relate to the world around me. As always, I suggest Headspace but I've also started using an app called Digipill, where you can download slightly longer, more specific meditations onto your phone to use whenever you like. 

Ask for help

And of course, if you feel like the Shangri-La of body neutrality is just too far away to reach on your own, ask for help! Invite a close friend or relative to join you by holding you accountable, asking how you're doing, or whatever works for you. Another huge breakthrough for me was getting professional help online through BetterHelp, an online counseling platform in which you pay a subscription fee to receive online counseling and tools from a mental health professional. I've used it on and off again, a couple months at a time, for several years now. I can't recommend it enough if you have SO many negative thoughts that change on your own feels impossible. 

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Obviously, these are just the things that have worked for me. It's not a comprehensive list, I've done other things along the way, but when I sat down to write this blog these are the four that stuck out to me so clearly in hindsight. 

I'd love to hear if body neutrality is something you're interested in as well and if you found these tools helpful! 

Food controls my world

Food controls my world. It does. And not in a healthy way. I am constantly thinking about food. How much I can have, when I can have it, what I can and can't have, how much I want those things that I can't have, assigning guilt and reward to food...the list goes on. 

How much of my life has involved wasted emotional and mental energy surrounding food? I shudder at the thought of it. I've shared before that I struggled with eating disorders all through high school. Now, in my late twenties, I realize that I may not be performing the act of an eating disorder, my disordered eating still exists. 

Until we face the root of the problem, we will continue to subject ourselves to a mindset that limits us. I have spent at least 10 years limiting myself to thoughts about food, when really, my desire is so much deeper. Isn't it like that for all of us? It's easy to identify in other people but sometimes it takes years and years of peeling back the layers to get to what we really struggle with. 

And it may not be just one thing. For me, it's so many little things intertwined: my need for control, my fear of abandonment, my fear of inadequacy, my pride. Together they form a dark film through which I see myself and early on in life, locked in on food and body image. 

So instead of putting in the hard, emotional, never-ending work of addressing those underlying fears...I obsess over calories and cellulite and never missing a workout. And my mind and my heart become smaller, less open to explore difficult and challenging topics. 

Ironically, in my quest for more control, I ended up letting food control me...because it was easier than learning how to let go. And I can't be abandoned by food, it's always around. And inadequacy is easier to measure when you just focus on your physical body. And why work on humility when you can demand perfection that you can be proud of? 

While a different context, it makes me think of the Bible verse that talks about pointing out a speck in your brother's eye but having a log in your own. 

It is much easier to see what other people use at crutches, just like my own. And when it comes to other people, the only thing I've ever experienced when sharing my own struggles...is compassion. 

Every time I'm brave enough to write or speak about my own struggles, 9 out of 10 people respond with compassion. Why? Maybe because that's the only time we allow ourselves to be kind. 

So instead of challenging you to not point out other people's shields, I challenge us to have the same compassion and gentleness with ourselves. You may not be able to see what's blocking and shaping your current reality...but as we all know, it's there. So be gentle with yourself in figuring out what those underlying fears are. Be open to exploring those feelings and taking whatever steps you need to create a life that gives you more. 

We are the only ones that limit our reality. And I truly believe that if we allow ourselves to experience the same compassion and kindness that we give to others who are struggling, we can be the ones who set ourselves free. 

The Dangers of the "Cheat Meal" Mentality

We have ALL heard of a "cheat meal". And the internet is overflowing with opinions on when/if/how/why you should or shouldn't eat a cheat meal. 

It's overwhelming. I will always preach doing what works for you. In my experience as an athlete with a history of eating disorders and anxiety, I've found that cheat meals are a dangerous game for me to play. And it's not the meal itself that's the problem. 

As with all things in life, it's my thoughts and subsequent behaviors that stem from the ever-so-attractive cheat meal. 

I read a great article on Mind Body Green about someone who had lost weight using some particular thought patterns. Great read, check it out here. Here's the bit that got me thinking:

"Understand something: Cheat meals are not bad. There is plenty of support for indulging once in a while. The problem emerges when a 'cheat meal' becomes our reason for indulging whenever we want. (...) We get consumed with the fear of missing out, so the 'cheat meal' becomes our lifeline."

Maaaaan oh man, can I related to that! When I was cutting weight, I would literally watch HOURS of videos of food being made. (Thank you, Tasty.) It was an unhealthy obsession because I had deprived myself so hard for so long that I was literally fantasizing about "cheat food".

The cheat meal became my idol, my goal, my all encompassing hope at the end of this weight loss journey. 

Who wants to live like that??? When a single meal or food hijacks your thoughts and behaviors (think: killing yourself at the gym so you can "justify" that slice of pizza), you may be going down a dangerous path. 

Healthy romantic relationships typically have a zero cheating policy. Yet, in the most important relationship we have--the one between our body and our mind--we encourage cheating. To me, that signifies a serious problem. 

So here is my two-cents, take it for what it's worth: pay attention to your thoughts and behaviors surrounding "cheat meals". Do they help you feel refreshed and able to stay on track with your healthy lifestyle? I genuinely hope so and if they do, continue on! Do they leave you feeling depressed or obsessive about correcting your calories or punishing yourself for eating more than you had intended? Then maybe it's time to reevaluate your game plan. 

Moderation in daily life has can be far more sustainable than the all-or-nothing mentality, which I am 100% programmed to fall back on. But allowing myself to remove labels from food, not calling something good vs. bad, and just focusing on my nutrition and overall happiness has allowed me to really enjoy food. No cheat meals, no guilt, no punishment. Just a healthy, happy relationship with my body and with my (frequent) meals. 

I'd love to know what works for YOU! Let me know in the comments below!

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Knowing Your Worth: Life After a Weight Cut and a Trophy

As I stood looking in the mirror, I just felt worthless. Who was this person looking back at me with this tiny, tired body? I thought I would want to stay this way but as I stared at this stranger, all I wanted was to figure out who the hell I was and why I still wasn't able to celebrate how far I had come, how much I had truly accomplished. 

April 2016 to October 2016 - about a 20lb weight difference 

A few months ago, I shared about my history with eating disorders and how it was affecting my first time going through a weight cut. I wanted to share about what I've learned after a successful weight cut and tournament win. 

I don't share the image above lightly. I'm not one to post photos like this. I share this to highlight just how much change I had undergone and how, societally, I should be happy with this degree of progress and attainment of my goals. I made my weight and I did in fact win my tournament. It was an incredible feeling, knowing the months of training, dieting, sweating, crying, and pushing myself had paid off. 

But here's the punchline:

When the adrenaline wore off, and the "Congratulations!" and "You look amazing!" stopped coming, when my trophy gathered dust and an injury kept me from being able to train...I didn't feel good enough. I felt the weight of my worthlessness. And it was time to really dig into why.

Here is what I've come to truly believe:

It is so common yet so incredibly dangerous to anchor our value, our self-worth, to something that will change.

Obviously, body image and how I respond to my body based on how it looks is something I deal with on a daily basis. Something that was put under a microscope while I went through this season of my training. But I came to the following conclusions in the past few months after such a trying and emotional time for me:

Your body will change. Your job will change. Your friends will change. Even your abilities will change; you could get hurt or lose the ability to think clearly or take care of yourself. 100% of the tangible, "doable" things in this life will not last. Let that sink in for a moment. 

With that in mind, why would you value yourself based on such fleeting, unstable things? Well, for one, because it's easy. It's easy to base how you feel on how you look or what you do or how high your grades are or how many friends you have or how much money you make because you can see that. You can measure it in some form or another and therefore, you can measure yourself. 

Now, I'm not here to shove my specific beliefs down anyone's throat; that's not my M.O. However, I think we can all agree on the universal need to derive your value and base your worth on something unchangeable, unyielding and immeasurable. If you can measure it, it has a shelf life. It doesn't have an eternal, unbreakable value and therefore, it can't give you one. 

It is so easy to think that the next goal or the next 5 lbs or the next promotion or the next relationship will make you feel better about yourself. It won't. I promise, it really, really won't. Because if that is where you're basing your worth, you will always be in a constant state of improvement and filled with a constant need for validation. 

You don't need validation, you don't need improvement. You are enough, just as you are, right now. 

I would be lying if I said I knew how to fully embrace this state of nirvana or that I could tell you what your anchor is; I don't know how and I can't decide that for you.

I have to constantly remind myself, almost on an hourly basis, that I am more than the number of squats I can do or the number of people that read my blog or the money in my bank account or even the number of people that love me. I am anchored to the truth that I have value because God gave me life and salvation and therefore, He gave me more value than I can ever give myself based on my shallow ideas of self-worth.

If nothing else, I hope you can join me in just being more aware. Aware of whether or not you're basing how you feel about yourself on things that will truly never fulfill you. Aware of what or who you are anchoring your self-worth to. 

I still have goals. I still want to be a world champion fighter. But when I get to that point, I won't be worth any more or any less than I am right now as a slightly out of shape, socially awkward, writer/fighter-in-training. 

And I think that's what it means to know your worth. 

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My real struggle with cutting weight

I suffered from eating disorders for a really long time. In high school, I was a cheerleading captain and the homecoming queen. I was the stereotype of confidence and likability. And I hated everything about myself. There were nights that I would eat half of the pantry, throw up for an hour, then cry myself to sleep and fake sick the next day so I didn’t have to go to school because I was so ashamed of myself, my body, my life.

I finally got help, went to therapy and haven't engaged in that behavior in almost ten years. But the mental damage--the deep, tender wounds that are inevitably left after that kind of self-inflicted hate and pain--are still healing. Now, I’m an amateur kickboxer; I’ve found a sport that helps me reclaim my strength, take control and challenge myself daily. And even though those years of self-hate, binging, purging and hiding seem like a different lifetime, I’m at a tremendously difficult point in my athletic career that's stirring up all those old feelings of self-doubt and shame: cutting weight.

If you’ve ever seen a boxing movie or flipped through ESPN to see an MMA fight on, you see these ridiculously cut men and women. The truth is that fighters can try and lose as much as 15lbs of weight in a week to make a weight class; and yes, it’s just as unhealthy as it sounds when done in such extremes. 

My fight is 4 weeks away and I have 10lbs to lose still. That's at the top end of a healthy weight loss goal, but here’s the thing: you aren’t just trying to lose weight, you’re cutting fat and retaining as much muscle as possible while still training at a high intensity. It’s an exhausting but very real part of the sport.

So how am I, a former bulimic, supposed to handle this? To be honest, it’s terrifying. My whole world revolves around food. If I’m not eating, I’m thinking about eating, and if I’m not thinking about eating, I’m probably just asleep or training. It’s not healthy but it’s also necessary for me to reach my bigger goals as an athlete. Binging and purging never cross my mind, but the mental distress is like the monster under the bed, patiently waiting for something to snatch to pull me down with. 

I don't share this to get sympathy or make anyone worry; I'm confident I'll make my weight without reverting back to old ways or having to chop off a limb. I share this because it begs the question: how will you prevent fear from ruining your goals?

We're all afraid of something. Fear is a very real part of this process for me right now; fear of looking differently than I do now, fear of not getting enough key nutrients, fear of sustaining an injury, fear of people judging me, fear of judging myself, fear of not making weight. I'm very afraid of a lot of things. Fear will utterly immobilize you if you let it. I had to ask myself, "Is this weight cut worth me being so afraid of all these things?" And by saying, "Yes", I've learned two incredibly important things: 

1. You're defined by your choices right now, in the present, not the past. 

2. Fear only has power when you hide it. 

I can choose every day to make healthy choices, mentally and physically, to make my weight. As corny as it sounds, I have alarms on my phone set as reminders to encourage myself, because that's what I need to calm down and feel less afraid. And by talking about it, by writing about it, I take away fear's power. Sometimes just acknowledging that you're scared can make you feel brave. And I hope that when your fear comes to life, pushes you down, and stands in the way of your next big step, you're able to make choices that make you feel brave too. 

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