Taking Chances

My last fight was war. 

I could go into every detail of each round, but there's better things to talk about. Before this, my last fight was in October and I spent months mentally and physically preparing. I was in the leanest, strongest and most flexible shape of my life. 

This fight? I was not. I was not lean, strong, fast or flexible. I was out of shape, simple as that. 

While I put my name down early in the year for these charity fights, the chances of finding me an opponent were looking slim. Then, 3 weeks before the fights, I got confirmation: we've found you an opponent. I struggled literally up until the day before whether or not I would take the fight. I had said yes, but all I felt was fear and uncertainty. 

I'm not in shape. I haven't trained for almost 5 months. I'm not mentally prepared. It's 7 hours away. The chance of losing is too high. 

The negative thoughts and doubts and fears were my constant companion. 

Here's the truth: By all of my own standards, I wasn't ready for this fight. But you know what's also true? I needed to take a chance. I needed to risk losing in order to get some incredible insight into my own abilities. 

I have big goals with fighting, not necessarily to be a professional, but to get to a level of athleticism and competition I have never encountered. While I may not have been as ready for this specific fight as I would have liked, this was a critical stepping stone in my journey to becoming a world-class fighter. 

It allowed me to see how I perform when I'm exhausted and my natural tendencies when my stamina runs out. Yes, I technically won. I wasn't particularly proud of how I did, but I was proud of doing it, especially in the face of so much self-doubt.  

Very rarely in life will the circumstances be perfect. More often than not, you will be cast into a situation and feel utterly and completely unprepared. Be brave in those moments. You're right, you may not be as ready as you could be--but never let that stop you. Keep your eyes fixed on your end goal and keep moving forward. Take a chance on yourself, risk your ego or in my case, even injury, to get an honest look at where your strengths and weaknesses truly are. 

Now, I feel the fire; I'm ready to attack my weakness and build upon my strengths. I am now able to move forward in my training with real world insight into what's working and what isn't. I have a battle plan. 

So when you're faced with your next challenge and you're certain you are unprepared--take a chance. Moments like mine, and like many I'm sure you've faced, are incredibly powerful lessons. It takes an immense amount of courage to own our shortcoming, but the reward is always greater than the risk. 

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

Knowing Your Worth: Life After a Weight Cut and a Trophy

As I stood looking in the mirror, I just felt worthless. Who was this person looking back at me with this tiny, tired body? I thought I would want to stay this way but as I stared at this stranger, all I wanted was to figure out who the hell I was and why I still wasn't able to celebrate how far I had come, how much I had truly accomplished. 

April 2016 to October 2016 - about a 20lb weight difference 

A few months ago, I shared about my history with eating disorders and how it was affecting my first time going through a weight cut. I wanted to share about what I've learned after a successful weight cut and tournament win. 

I don't share the image above lightly. I'm not one to post photos like this. I share this to highlight just how much change I had undergone and how, societally, I should be happy with this degree of progress and attainment of my goals. I made my weight and I did in fact win my tournament. It was an incredible feeling, knowing the months of training, dieting, sweating, crying, and pushing myself had paid off. 

But here's the punchline:

When the adrenaline wore off, and the "Congratulations!" and "You look amazing!" stopped coming, when my trophy gathered dust and an injury kept me from being able to train...I didn't feel good enough. I felt the weight of my worthlessness. And it was time to really dig into why.

Here is what I've come to truly believe:

It is so common yet so incredibly dangerous to anchor our value, our self-worth, to something that will change.

Obviously, body image and how I respond to my body based on how it looks is something I deal with on a daily basis. Something that was put under a microscope while I went through this season of my training. But I came to the following conclusions in the past few months after such a trying and emotional time for me:

Your body will change. Your job will change. Your friends will change. Even your abilities will change; you could get hurt or lose the ability to think clearly or take care of yourself. 100% of the tangible, "doable" things in this life will not last. Let that sink in for a moment. 

With that in mind, why would you value yourself based on such fleeting, unstable things? Well, for one, because it's easy. It's easy to base how you feel on how you look or what you do or how high your grades are or how many friends you have or how much money you make because you can see that. You can measure it in some form or another and therefore, you can measure yourself. 

Now, I'm not here to shove my specific beliefs down anyone's throat; that's not my M.O. However, I think we can all agree on the universal need to derive your value and base your worth on something unchangeable, unyielding and immeasurable. If you can measure it, it has a shelf life. It doesn't have an eternal, unbreakable value and therefore, it can't give you one. 

It is so easy to think that the next goal or the next 5 lbs or the next promotion or the next relationship will make you feel better about yourself. It won't. I promise, it really, really won't. Because if that is where you're basing your worth, you will always be in a constant state of improvement and filled with a constant need for validation. 

You don't need validation, you don't need improvement. You are enough, just as you are, right now. 

I would be lying if I said I knew how to fully embrace this state of nirvana or that I could tell you what your anchor is; I don't know how and I can't decide that for you.

I have to constantly remind myself, almost on an hourly basis, that I am more than the number of squats I can do or the number of people that read my blog or the money in my bank account or even the number of people that love me. I am anchored to the truth that I have value because God gave me life and salvation and therefore, He gave me more value than I can ever give myself based on my shallow ideas of self-worth.

If nothing else, I hope you can join me in just being more aware. Aware of whether or not you're basing how you feel about yourself on things that will truly never fulfill you. Aware of what or who you are anchoring your self-worth to. 

I still have goals. I still want to be a world champion fighter. But when I get to that point, I won't be worth any more or any less than I am right now as a slightly out of shape, socially awkward, writer/fighter-in-training. 

And I think that's what it means to know your worth. 

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

Product Review: Vital Proteins Collagen Supplements

I was 99.9% sure that collagen was a fad diet thing; like juice cleanses and cabbage diets and all that. But, after a lot of research and a few too many hours stalking some health trendsetters on instagram and pinterest, I realized that it has the potential to be a staple! You know, like avocados and kale. 

I went with Vital Protein because the site was really well laid out and it explained the health benefits and uses of collagen as a supplement. And, as every visual shopper today, I'm a sucker for a clean logo and pretty packaging. JUDGE ME. 

PASTURE-RAISED, GRASS-FED COLLAGEN PEPTIDES, 10 OZ CANISTERS

Taste: A+++++++++++ BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TASTE IT AT ALL!!! I was blown away by that. Things that say "unflavored" very rarely are. This mixes so easily with my water, I can sip it throughout the day and not even think about it. 

COLLAGEN BEAUTY GREENS, 10 OZ CANISTER

Taste: C. This jank is not tasty. The health benefits are amazing and I'm glad that I have it as an option, but it has that weird, chalky texture. Even in a shake with pineapple, apple and avocado and blended with a high speed blender...it left much to be desired. 

Health Benefits

My real struggle with cutting weight

I suffered from eating disorders for a really long time. In high school, I was a cheerleading captain and the homecoming queen. I was the stereotype of confidence and likability. And I hated everything about myself. There were nights that I would eat half of the pantry, throw up for an hour, then cry myself to sleep and fake sick the next day so I didn’t have to go to school because I was so ashamed of myself, my body, my life.

I finally got help, went to therapy and haven't engaged in that behavior in almost ten years. But the mental damage--the deep, tender wounds that are inevitably left after that kind of self-inflicted hate and pain--are still healing. Now, I’m an amateur kickboxer; I’ve found a sport that helps me reclaim my strength, take control and challenge myself daily. And even though those years of self-hate, binging, purging and hiding seem like a different lifetime, I’m at a tremendously difficult point in my athletic career that's stirring up all those old feelings of self-doubt and shame: cutting weight.

If you’ve ever seen a boxing movie or flipped through ESPN to see an MMA fight on, you see these ridiculously cut men and women. The truth is that fighters can try and lose as much as 15lbs of weight in a week to make a weight class; and yes, it’s just as unhealthy as it sounds when done in such extremes. 

My fight is 4 weeks away and I have 10lbs to lose still. That's at the top end of a healthy weight loss goal, but here’s the thing: you aren’t just trying to lose weight, you’re cutting fat and retaining as much muscle as possible while still training at a high intensity. It’s an exhausting but very real part of the sport.

So how am I, a former bulimic, supposed to handle this? To be honest, it’s terrifying. My whole world revolves around food. If I’m not eating, I’m thinking about eating, and if I’m not thinking about eating, I’m probably just asleep or training. It’s not healthy but it’s also necessary for me to reach my bigger goals as an athlete. Binging and purging never cross my mind, but the mental distress is like the monster under the bed, patiently waiting for something to snatch to pull me down with. 

I don't share this to get sympathy or make anyone worry; I'm confident I'll make my weight without reverting back to old ways or having to chop off a limb. I share this because it begs the question: how will you prevent fear from ruining your goals?

We're all afraid of something. Fear is a very real part of this process for me right now; fear of looking differently than I do now, fear of not getting enough key nutrients, fear of sustaining an injury, fear of people judging me, fear of judging myself, fear of not making weight. I'm very afraid of a lot of things. Fear will utterly immobilize you if you let it. I had to ask myself, "Is this weight cut worth me being so afraid of all these things?" And by saying, "Yes", I've learned two incredibly important things: 

1. You're defined by your choices right now, in the present, not the past. 

2. Fear only has power when you hide it. 

I can choose every day to make healthy choices, mentally and physically, to make my weight. As corny as it sounds, I have alarms on my phone set as reminders to encourage myself, because that's what I need to calm down and feel less afraid. And by talking about it, by writing about it, I take away fear's power. Sometimes just acknowledging that you're scared can make you feel brave. And I hope that when your fear comes to life, pushes you down, and stands in the way of your next big step, you're able to make choices that make you feel brave too. 

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter.

What defines you?

I totally took some quizzes on Pottermore (I love Harry Potter, lay off me) in hopes that they would tell me who I am. And they did, in part. I learned that I could define myself by a number of easily digestible, one-dimensional traits, like intelligence or loyalty.

It’d be so much easier if a quiz could just tell me who I am because then I wouldn’t have to think about it. Sometimes it’s hard to make sense of everything about yourself. If you’re like me, you know you’re a hot mess of complex emotions. But even the most level-headed of people can experience conflicting sides and wonder, who am I really? How do I “categorize” myself? If you let go of every identifier you have--your race, your gender, your sexuality--what would be left? Do you know?

In the midst of the chaos that surrounds us currently, I think these are critically important question to reflect on. The color of our skin should never divide us; but it does. So who are we? Are we so simple and one-dimensional that an online quiz can churn out answers for us in less than a minute? Is it really as straightforward as categorizing people as a privileged white person or an angry black person?

No. Of course not. In God’s great humor and wisdom, this seemingly violent sport has taught me so much about unity and respect.

Since beginning kickboxing, my friend group has both grown and diversified in the most wonderful of ways. We all have different stories, different skin colors, different sexualities, different income levels, different levels of experience, different ways of learning, different senses of humor. But what we share is respect. A deep, unifying level of respect that says, “I don’t care what you are, I see who you are. And you’re just like me.”

By respecting our differences, we are able to come together as people just trying to make ourselves and our situations in life better. We’re able to support each other, without judgment, to reach our diverse goals. We share our drive, courage, humility, discipline, joy, pain, determination and vulnerability with each other every single day. We share our humanity and see ourselves in each other. We know what it takes to step into a ring and fight. Fighting breaks you down to who you are at your core, and when that happens, you see--we’re not different at all.

It's important to understand that the things that truly define us are not the things that make us different. Our differences allow for discussion and growth and a chance to understand the complexity of our shared world. Don't define yourself or others simply by our visible differences. Our nation currently functions under the influence of oppression and fear, bred from a history of racism, sexism and general bigotry. Be human enough to understand that, when all is striped away, we feel the same. We fight the same. We are the same. We must never stop working to make the intangible qualities that we share as human beings the true lens through which we define ourselves and our peers. 

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

Do you feel it too?

So, I lost my first fight. It’s a painful feeling, working relentlessly for months just for ten minutes of work--the most excruciating and exhilarating 10 minutes of your life thus far. 

But this isn't a post about my fight. It's about the fact that I noticed, when my fight was over and all was said and done, I felt shame. I was embarrassed. I wasn't just upset that I lost, I felt like a fool for even trying. I cried the whole car ride home and wished I had never told anyone about my hopes and dreams and wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. But why???

I had just done something incredible and really, really, REALLY hard. Why was I anything but proud of myself? Why was I afraid of what people would say? Because I believed I had to be perfect. My story was supposed to be a happy, perfect, successful one. We all adhere to the very apparent yet silent rule that we can't make mistakes or have imperfections or experience failure in order to be "normal" and most certainly to ever be "successful". We've all traded in reality for a highlight reel; a shallow, contrived version of life, hidden behind the facade of perfection. 

It's definitely safer that way. It's much safer to never put yourself out there because, I promise, you will never get hurt. If you never try, you will most certainly never fail. But if you try, at anything, you're going to fail eventually. You are going to work incredibly hard at something and not achieve the result you so badly desired. And I'm here to tell you, you should never be ashamed of that. 

There is no shame in trying. There is no shame in trying as hard as you can and still not succeeding. There is no shame in being vulnerable, being real, and being honest with who you are and what you want out of life. There is no shame in being human. The fact that I felt shame so deeply for not meeting this idea of "perfection" tells me that other people feel it too; because we're not different. We're imperfect. We're all just people, trying desperately to pretend we don't feel ashamed for our lack of perfection. 

I LOVED every breathless, painful, confusing and overwhelming second of that fight. It confirmed for me that I want nothing more than to be the best in the world at this sport, no matter how long it takes. And I'm willing to put in the work, the hours, the money, the losses, and the wins that come with that. But I'll be damned if I ever let myself feel ashamed for trying, ever again. 

So whatever you're working towards, pursue it wholeheartedly. Fail. Learn. Improve. Take pride in your effort, in your vulnerability, in your imperfection--and never ever, ever be ashamed for trying. For any of it.  

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

You can't do this alone.

I see it and hear it all the time. People say that you need to believe in your dreams more than you believe in anything else. More than you believe in the sun, in air, more than you want anything at all EVER. Only YOU have the power to make things happen. Only then can you accomplish your goals. How melodramatic. 

I think that’s complete B.S. Here’s why.

The fact is, you are NOT always going to believe in yourself. This isn’t me being a downer or a doubter or a hater or a dream crusher. This is a fact. You’re HUMAN. It’s called “certainty” and “doubt” and they continually flux from one side to the other (read up here if you're interested). If you care about something deeply, whatever that may be, you are going to experience fear and doubt and insecurity because you care about it. 

When you face challenges, doubt is going to creep in. And maybe you can will yourself through 99% of the obstacles and fears you face and think, I’ve got this!

But what about when you can’t? When you've reached the end of your rope and there is nowhere to go but down? When you’re sitting on your floor crying into a bowl of mashed potatoes because you’re so frustrated and don’t know what the point is anymore? (Not that I would know anything about that...)

Because that is going to happen. You’re going to experience doubt and frustration and deal with obstacles and negative thoughts.

At some point, in a big or small way, your belief in yourself will break. 

When that happens, you need support. You need OTHER PEOPLE who believe in you and your goals. You need someone in your life who can look at you in all your brokenness and defeat and doubt and self-loathing and say, “I love you. I believe in you. I know this is hard. Now keep going.”

---

A few days ago, I doubted myself. HARD. I have a tendency to be wildly over dramatic, so when I’m upset, it’s the end of the world. And in typical fashion, I spiraled out of control into the “I suck, I’m terrible, why am I doing this” self-talk and sent a flurry of frustrated, angry, "this is the end of everything" texts to my boyfriend.

He didn’t let me throw a pity party or patronizingly say, I’m sorry you feel that way, it’s gonna be okay. He didn’t make me feel guilty for being upset. He didn't say, You're right, maybe you should throw in the towel if you're this upset.

No. He said, “I don’t believe that and neither should you. I don’t want to hear you talk like this. You can’t just give up every time you don’t do as well as you want to. This is how you get better.”

In short, he said: I BELIEVE IN YOU. Now SHAKE IT OFF and KEEP GOING. 

His reaction made me realize that I CAN'T do this alone. I need people in my life to hold me accountable to my goals because I am breakable and I will want to give up. And that's okay. 

It's egotistical and utterly foolish to say that you can achieve incredible things through sheer willpower and self-reliance alone, or even that merely believing in yourself is all it takes. 

Be vulnerable and honest with the people you love and that love you to tell them when you DON'T believe anymore. Because their support is the difference between unfulfilled goals and accomplishing your wildest dreams. 

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

I don't want you to win.

I’ll be deeply, vulnerably, horribly honest for a second: I don’t always want other people to succeed.

There, I said it! Isn’t that terrible? I’m competitive. SUPER competitive. So sometimes I get caught up in the comparison game. I look at other athletes’ success and think, “If they’re doing well, that means I’m NOT.”  Or I think, “If I help that person, they’ll get better than me and then I’m going to fail.”

That’s the ugly, ugly truth. But the thing is, all of us think that way sometimes (validate me here, I’m hoping I’m not the only jerk in the room). Comparison is natural. Fear and insecurity are natural--we’re only human.

But we have a choice, whether to act on those thoughts or to change them. I had to get some help to change mine.

I got real with my friend/mentor/hero, Kesha, about this and she put it so perfectly: “Your opponent is not your competition. Even in a fight, YOU are your competition. And these people here are your teammates, we’re here to make each other better.”

Per usual, she’s always right. By letting my competitive nature get the best of me, I’m not only preventing my teammates from improving, I’m letting fear stifle my own growth and progress. We must seek out and learn from those that are better than us and bring others up with us in order to reach our full potential. As they say, iron sharpens iron. I don’t want to be afraid of someone else’s success. It doesn’t negate mine or make me less of an athlete.

In a seemingly solo sport, it’s hard to remember that sometimes. I just wanna be the best. But at what costs? And am I really willing to put myself in a position that could potentially make someone else better than me? Am I confident enough in my own abilities to invest in someone else’s growth the same way that I invest in mine?

I think back to the women that helped, and are still helping, me when I first joined. What kind of environment would that have been to ask them for guidance, only to be ignored? I may have looked for another gym, who knows. But I certainly wouldn’t have progressed at the rate that I have and have such strong relationships with fellow female athletes.

I say it all the time and try to emulate other women that live it out: “Empowered women empower women.” It is so, so, SO easy to forget that and to fall into the pit of comparison and let fear drive your behavior.

Part of my fight is letting go of my insecurity and desire to dominate in order to make other people better. I am not naturally altruistic; I am selfish. I want to be the best, always, at everything. But having a self-centric mindset will never make you better. I'm realizing that the only way to improve ourselves is by investing in others. 

In order to become empowered, inspired, improved--we must empower, inspire, and improve those around us. 

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

5 Things More Important to Have than "a Plan"

I never had a plan. It dawned on me as I sat at a job I never thought I’d have in a town that I never thought I would live in again about to go train for a sport I had never imagined I’d love. Seeing the trend here?

Rewind to mere high school days: I knew I had to go to college, I knew I needed to get good grades and be involved and make memories and blah blah blah. You know the drill. But I think in my 17-year-old brain, before I launched myself into college life and the true beginning of adulthood, I just figured I’d become...enlightened? Even being so close to my twenties at that age, that felt like a different level of adulthood, and that upon entering into my twenties, I would suddenly have a deep-seated understanding of what to do with my life. You know, “a plan”.

LOL. Yeah right.

Now at 24, quickly approaching 25, I realize:

1. I am nothing more than a glorified toddler, and that’s on a good day.

2. Having “a plan” is not nearly as important as people make it out to be.

I’ve learned a handful of things that are far more important to have than “a plan” in life. And here they are.

---

1. Self-responsibility

If you haven’t learned this, let it sink in right now: YOU are YOUR responsibility. It is no one else’s job to take care of you. You are the only person responsible for your well-being, success, happiness, and future. YOU.

Not your mom, not your teacher, not your coaches, not your boss, not your brother, not your bestie, not your dad, not your sister, not your S.O., not your mentor, not your - WHOEVER ELSE.

You. Just you. If you don’t understand that or believe that, your life is going to suck and you will always be a “victim”. Do not spend your life blaming other people for the things you don’t have and waiting around for someone to tell you what to do. Be bold enough to actively figure out what you want and pursue it completely, with full abandon. It’s both terrifying and utterly freeing but the sooner you take responsibility for your life and your actions, the sooner you’ll start creating a life you truly love.

2. Goals

Don’t get it twisted. “Goals” are not innately “plans” and having “plans” does not mean you have “goals”. Goals are specific moments you can achieve; plans are general ideas without a definite endpoint. While I never had a plan, I always had goals. You can change your goals as you see fit, but having something specific to achieve makes the uncertainty of life feel significantly less overwhelming. Goal setting how to’s: here.

3. Hobbies

The things that bring you joy in life are a pretty solid guiding light when it comes to what you should pursue. Example: I was always into sports and exercise. That led to a career with one of the largest athletic apparel retailers in the world and a hands-on job at a high-end fitness center in the Silicon Valley. Not only that, my desire to try new sports led me to kickboxing, and now I have an entirely new set of goals, friends and sweet ninja skills. Before that, I pursued dancing and was able to dance with some of the most talented choreographers in hip-hop today. But one thing has always remained true--my hobbies and interests led me to the experiences in life where I was MOST satisfied. Brick by brick, I laid the foundation of my life upon the activities most dear to me. Cliches are cliches for a reason: pursue your passions, especially if you don’t know where they’ll lead.

4. Relationships

We’re relational creatures. As an extroverted individual, I need people; but what I’ve learned is that I need quality people. The kind of people that can crack a joke one moment and have a deep conversation the next. People that care about you and that you deeply care about. Relationships take time and effort but they are the most important investment you can make in life. Be open to investing in new people and fight to stay connected with old friends and family.

5. Adventures

I’m an adventure addict. I’ll drive across the country in a van with semi-strangers and take a job in a city halfway across the world; I live for the unexpected. That’s taught me a valuable lesson--make room for adventure in your life. Whether that be a weekend away in a city you’ve never seen or going sky-diving, decide your level of adventure and lean into those uncertain, unorganized moments of life. Those are the moments that shake you out of the ordinary and put a spotlight on the things you hold most dear.

---

No one will ever have it all figured out (whatever that even means). There will always be things to learn, people to meet, and experiences to have. You will get bruised and broken by people and circumstances outside of your control. But in my few years of being a full-fledged, tax-paying grown up, I’ve realized to embrace the uncertainty and use these 5 things as guides and tools to create a life you truly love. No plan required. 

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter.  

Hippie Health: A few of my favorite things

So, for those of you that don’t know this about me, in addition to being an aspiring NINJA, I’m also a total hippie.

If I’m not punching or kicking something, I’m looking up recipes for vegan dishes and buddha bowls or researching meat-free nutrition plans for athletes like myself (side note: not a vegan, I love me some BBQ. But I’m all about that dairy-free, plant-based, whole foods life). You can find me wearing the quintessential tie-dye-flowy-hippie-clothes, coloring or drawing, and doing some yoga--because I’m also a certified yoga instructor.

Because why break only one stereotype WHEN YOU CAN BREAK THEM ALL?

Yoga is a big part of who I am; like fighting, I discovered it at a time in my life when I desperately needed a refuge. It gave me the sense of calm and direction that I was lacking during my college years. Not only that, it helped me address the years of body-hating I’d inflicted on myself, something 97% of women deal with every single day.

Yoga taught me to have compassion for myself and for others while helping me learn to love my body and respect myself. While it may seem counter intuitive, I think having a background in yoga has helped me tremendously as a fighter. Not just in terms of flexibility or athleticism, but also for mental fortitude and inner calm. 

And while I may be incredibly out of practice, I still roll my yoga mat out once a week to do my own flow. Because it’s all about balance--finding the balance between aggression and peace, between a killer workout and a mindful flow. And, it keeps me flexible. Which is kind of important for EVERY athlete. 

So, with that said, here’s a compilation of my favorite happy-hippie resources to keep you well-fed, centered, and flexible!

Websites:

• Greatist: I LOVE this site because they cater to every human; they have recipes for meat-eaters and vegans, workouts for hardcore athletes and for casual gym-goers, and plenty of inspiration and articles for everyone. I get about 90% of my recipe ideas from here.

• Meditation breathing: I use this site for five minutes twice a day to practice deep breathing. As a naturally high-energy, i.e. high-strung, person I have to practice relaxing because it is not my forte.

• Pinterest: Typical, I know. Women and pinterest (insert huge eyeroll here). But, as an information junky, it is the fastest way for me to find ANYTHING. I jump on pinterest for quotes that make me feel inspired, for information on what I can actually use apple cider vinegar for, or for a step-by-step guide on cooking salmon correctly for cooking-inept dummies like me. I heart pinterest.

Apps:

• Forks over Knives - $5 - This app is amazing because it has all plant-based recipes AND makes shopping SUPER convenient by preloading all of the ingredients and syncing them to your phone so you can keep track of everything you need, per recipe. Shout out to lazy, health-conscious shoppers like me!

• Daily Yoga - Free w/ Upgrade options - AWESOME app for beginners or seasoned yogis; it has yoga to destress, pre and post run stretches, and body-part specific yoga postures for tight hips and the like.

• CalorieCount - Free - Does this one need explaining? I mostly use this to count my macros, make sure I’m not eating too much sugar and am getting enough vitamins everyday.

Instagram:

• GRRRL Clothing - @grrrl_clothing - This brand is one of the sponsors for both Holly Holm and Rose Namajunas. As a female athlete, specifically a fighter, I love seeing the inspiring posts they flood my feed with.

• Jeannette Ogden - @shutthekaleup - Great, fun photos of delicious food (and a really freakin cute baby), because, it’s instagram. And sometimes it’s just about the pretty stuff :)

• Massy Arias - @massy.airas - A fitness account with tons of workouts, stretches, nutrition info and one of the coolest, most body-positive ladies on the planet.

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

"Pretty"

“Wow they’re both so pretty.” “She looks a little fat still but I know she’s really strong.” “I really hope both women are still pretty after this.”

“He’s an animal!” “He’s got great movement.” “These guys are tearing each other apart.”

As I sat on a couch with my friends watching Miesha Tate and Holly Holm knock each other senseless, then once more while Nate Diaz bled all over the octagon and Conor McGregor got choked out, I observed some interesting things.

I listened to how my fellow female athletes spoke about these incredible professional female fighters. We noticed their skill, their movement, their technique; we talked about each woman’s fighting background and what each brought to the table. We looked at them like athletes.

But we also openly criticized their bodies. We talked about just how pretty they were and if, Lord forbid, something were happen to their faces. We looked at them like objects, like things that we could comment on, critique, and compare based on society’s standard of beauty.

Granted, we noticed the male fighters’ physiques as well. But the way we talked about it was different. It wasn’t, “He’s so handsome!” It was, “He’s a BEAST.” We spoke about the men in hushed tones compared to the way we loudly debated the degree to which these women were worthy of attractiveness.

Why?

I don’t say this to chastise my friends or to shame anyone for talking this way. I was a part of it. Which is why I felt so compelled to write about it. I think we need to examine the way we do things in order to do them better; I truly believe these kinds of comments diminish both the athletic talent and the professionalism of female fighting.

Both fights were phenomenal. All four athletes fought hard and deserve to be recognized as leaders and lethal weapons in the world of mixed martial arts.

But no one looked at Nate Diaz and said, “He’s not exactly easy on the eyes.” Why is that? Why do we feel so painfully comfortable commenting on the appearance of women at all times? These are professional FIGHTERS. They train to hit and get hit in the face. They bleed, sweat, kick, punch and claw their way to victory. So why on earth are we concerned for their beauty?

These are gladiators. Their beauty is far more than skin deep and their external beauty should be our last concern.

I realize this isn’t unique to the sport of fighting. This is an overarching issue that’s plaguing the way we communicate to, with, and about women in every area, not just athletics.

But this is a blog about fighting, and as a female fighter, part of the reason I do this is for equality. My hope is for us to be able to look at male and female athletes the same. I want fighting to be a sport that looks at a female athlete for her skill, her character, her heart, her dedication and her hard work. Not her “pretty face.”

I think this sport is an incredible platform for equality; women are showing that they are just as tough, dedicated, and skilled as men in a high-contact sport.

The most beautiful thing I saw during that fight was the way Miesha Tate took that victory, how she honored and respected Holly for being a fierce competitor. You could feel her joy, seeing the years of hard work and dedication playing in her mind as that belt was wrapped around her waist. She demonstrated how patience, commitment, and unyielding confidence in your own abilities can lead to greatness. It was something that both men and women can identify with, respect, and be inspired by.

And that’s the kind of beauty worth talking about.

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

The day I didn't cry.

I don’t think you understand. Getting hit in the face is EMOTIONAL. We were not made to fight--not like this. My friend/coach/hero, LaKesha Springle, always says that. “God didn’t make us to fight, he made us to love each other.” This is coming from a world class kickboxer, mind you, so it's not like she doesn't know how to fight. More than anyone, she understands the intense emotional upheaval that happens every single time you step into the ring; the very real mental and emotional battle that takes place when you decide to compete in a high-stress, full contact, sweaty, exhausting and painful game of tag. 

So why voluntarily get hit? Why even engage in a sport that is emotionally, physically and mentally draining? Well, read on, my friend.

Yesterday, I sparred with Kesha and my goal was to throw combinations. Her goal? Get me to cry.

Let me elaborate: I cry a lot. I’m already an emotional person. Think, New Girl’s Jessica Day.

That’s me, each and every day about life in general. God gave me lots of feelings and they come out of my eyes, what can I say.

However, I’m blessed enough to have an experienced, badass sparring partner who has realized this about me and knows I have to reach my breaking point--my panic induced tearfest--so I can learn how to control my emotions and use them to focus, not freak out.

The moment:

Third round, she got me exactly where she wanted me: stuck in the corner with no clear way out. With speed I can only dream about, she hit me with a few hard body shots, knowing it would aggravate me and send me into a panic. Literally saved by the bell, I felt the tears surge to my eyes as I walked back to my corner, feeling frustrated and defeated. But I kept breathing.

 I don’t have to cry. I am O.K. Keep breathing, keep moving. You’re O.K.

And it worked. The tears blinked away, mixing with sweat, and I made it through my fourth and final round, breathing heavy but remaining (somewhat) calm. Did I cry after? You betcha! But the point is that in my moment of stress, rage, uncertainty and pain--I didn’t cry.

So why put yourself through that, you ask?

Because I refuse to live a life of comfort and conformity, never pushing myself beyond the limitations that society has set. We’re told to do things that only make us happy, keep us comfortable, numb us to life.

What I learned:

There is no joy without pain and there is no victory without loss; these things are connected, we know that by now. Yin and Yang, light and dark--these aren’t new concepts. Success and failure work the same way, existing as intricately connected opposites. 

The day I didn’t cry was a big moment for me. A moment of mental strength and toughness that has taken me months to build up to. I still held my breath, I still got frustrated. I dropped my hands, I didn’t move enough. The list goes on and on because this is a journey of struggle and growth, not an overnight transformation into Bruce Lee.

But I inched a little closer towards control, towards allowing myself to be in the midst of chaos and remain calm inside.

And isn’t that the true goal? Not only to push ourselves to new limits, but to create new “normals”.

Yesterday, I didn’t cry. I take that forward with me today, building upon it to become the person, athlete and woman I want to be.

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter. 

My First Black Eye

The moment:

I’d never been hit so hard. For a second, I thought I was going to fall over--I had to catch myself. Two to the head and I don’t know how many to the body. But it was hard and it was fast.

What 3 hours of training, 2 kicks to the ribs, 1 clean hook to the face, a gallon of sweat and a good ol-fashioned ugly cry looks like. 

And then, the rage. I felt it burning in my stomach and flying through my arms, taking over my entire body. My vision blurred from the tears, not because of the pain, but because of how pissed I was that I let him hit me. That I wasn’t blocking myself, that I wasn’t as fast or as skilled. And yeah, that he hit me that hard.

Doesn’t he know I’m learning? Is he trying to kill me?! IS THIS HOW IT ENDS?!

He didn’t let up and didn’t slow down, still getting (hard) punches in; meanwhile, I was internally feeling like the Incredible Hulk was about to burst from my chest and kill him.

But he didn’t. And I didn’t. What I did was keep fighting. I was hyperventilating, crying, on the verge of an asthma attack, losing my cool, my arms were too far out, I clearly forgot all the technique I ever learned...but I wasn’t going to stop. I wasn’t going to give up. I wasn’t going to let this be the end.

What happened:

Yesterday, I got my first black eye! A rite of passage has occurred! A “shiner” to induct me into the family of badasses I spend my free time around. Next lesson: how to NOT get a black eye by moving my head out of the way. Oops.

My coach/sparring partner is one of the fastest, most talented boxers I’ve ever met. He challenges me every day to become better; and yesterday, he stepped it up a notch.

What I learned:

• I am powerful. I am TOUGH. I am...not as effective as I could be. Learning how to focus my anger on my technique and my opponent will be a huge asset as I grow as an athlete. And that it’s natural to have NO idea how to do that at first and mostly just want to turn into the She-Hulk.

• I am surrounded by people that love, support and believe in me. No one coddled me or saw my tears as a weakness; they’ve been in the same position and know that these are tears of exhaustion, frustration and growth. They talked me through what I was doing wrong (i.e., not moving my head) and told me how to improve (i.e., move your head dummy, it’s getting hit). No judgement, only support.

• Life hits harder than anyone you fight will. Wear your scars and bruises with pride because they mean you’ve experienced defeat and decided to keep fighting.

---

I hope you enjoyed this post! Subscribe to my newsletter so you can Join the Journey as I work and write about my goal to become a world-class fighter.