Worth it.

Sometimes, it sucks. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve never thrown a punch before. Or that my legs weigh 300 lbs each. Sometimes, I get hit RIGHT in the nose two days in a row and it really hurts and I lose my cool and go to the bathroom and curl up on the countertop and cry a little as soon as the round is over...

...which is what happened today.

This sport isn't easy. Writing this blog isn't easy. Working full-time isn't easy. Keeping up with relationships isn't easy. LIFE is not easy. Some days, all of it feels damn near impossible and makes me think: is any of this worth it? 

I could feel it, the shift in my mind as I left work. I was frustrated because (ironically enough) I couldn’t think of anything to write about. I could hear that voice begin to whisper as I pulled into the gym parking lot, “Today is gonna suck.”

That voice. The one that tells me, “You’re not good enough. Why do you even bother? No one cares what you have to say anyways. Just give up now.”

I begrudgingly got changed, dragged my feet out to the ring, slowly wrapped my hands and waited with zero enthusiasm for class to begin.

Because, what was the point? I’m not good enough anyways.

I let that voice control me, tell me what I’m worth. Without realizing it, my entire mood had shifted. I had gone from being excited to train just a few hours ago to literally DREADING getting in the ring. Because I “knew” I wasn’t good enough. Because I “knew” there was no way I was ever going to be good enough to reach my goals. 

Well, that’s bullshit. 

I didn’t think those things verbatim, but I felt them. My mindset changed as the pain, doubt, and lies that live in the darkest parts of my subconscious stepped into the light and took over.

So when I sat on that countertop, sweaty, shaking and fighting back tears, thinking to myself, "Is this worth it?", what I was really asking is, "Am I worth it?"

The fact is that no one can determine your worth but you.

All the support, talent, effort, practice, training and coaching in the world are worth nothing if you don’t believe in yourself. If you don't believe that you are good enough to succeed, to be loved, to be great, or whatever it is you feel you're not worthy of. For me, it's meeting my own standard of greatness. Everyday, I doubt my ability to accomplish my goals; in doing so, I question my own worth. 

By allowing that doubt, insecurity and fear to take over, I set myself up for a night of terrible training. I told myself this dream wasn't worth it because I'm not worth the effort it takes to succeed. Thankfully, I'm surrounded by people that care about me; I was reminded that the only person questioning my worthiness of becoming a fighter is me. The only person saying I can't do this is me

The mind is the most powerful tool that you have as an athlete; those that understand that are the ones that can accomplish anything.

You have to train your mind just like you train your body; you have to prepare for days when you don't feel like you're good enough. You have to find the strength within to hear those lies and confidently say, “I am good enough. I am strong enough. I am worth fighting for.”

I love this sport because it’s the most tangible representation of life. Life is fast, scary, messy, painful and overwhelming at times. Some days, it sucks. So you have to learn to work through the BS, the lies, and the self-doubt.

Because, I promise, it’s always worth it.

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