The truth is, from the depths of my soul, I am incredibly insecure. Deeply, painfully, embarrassingly at times. I feel like less of a person when other people get compliments. I lash out if I feel like I'm not the center of attention. I have difficulty being happy for others' successes or accomplishments--I mostly feel jealousy and a fear that it makes me...less. Less than perfect. Less beautiful. Less intelligent. Less loved. Less important. Less successful.
The hard truth is that jealousy and insecurity are just different manifestations of the same feeling: worthlessness.
I have at least 5 blogs about worth, comparison and the like. But the reason I continue to share my struggles with worthlessness, jealousy, insecurity, and meaning is because I know that in some way, shape or form--you feel it too.
You, whoever you are. There are moments, maybe late at night, alone in the dark, when you look at the ceiling and tell yourself, "I'm not as handsome as him. I'm not as successful as her." And you know that those thoughts are just part of a bigger, deeper longing to be enough. To feel like you're worth a damn.
I'm here to tell you that you are worth a damn. And thankfully, no amount of jealousy or comparison or doubt or hate for others success will make you enough. We can find hope in something better and more beautiful than the darkness of insecurity and loneliness. I believe that our meaning is given to us by God; that our worth comes from grace and the price that was paid. Nothing else can fill that hole the way that He can.
But even if you don't share that exact view, you're still loved. You are still worthy, you are still enough. The breath in your lungs is precious; the yearnings of your soul bring something beautiful and unique and wholly yours into the world. Perhaps you don't find your worth in God, but please, take a moment to internalize the truth that the existence of someone else does not detract from how bright and beautiful and necessary your light is.
I have no solution. I have no how-to step. I'm just a broken, sinful person who struggles, daily, with feeling jealous, insecure, and worthless. But one of my core beliefs is that we give power to what we hide. Only by sharing our personal struggles can we realize that we are not alone. Only together can we support and encourage each other to become better, more confident, more secure, more self-aware, more peaceful, more loving human beings.
So, friend, you are not alone. And while I may not have answers, I have courage and strength in the knowledge that we all share the burden of finding worth, of feeling shame and insecurity and jealousy.
And together, we can share our stories, share our struggles, and in time, share our freedom.
If this post resonated with you, shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org or leave a comment! And if it didn't, please feel free to still email or comment, I'd love to know your thoughts and your take on it.